Went to the ER last night

My family drove an hour and a half to come pick me up and bring me to the ER..they wanted to be there while I went and seriously, I don't know what I would have done if they weren't there. I was fine geting in the car and walking in, but then as soon as I started sitting down waiting and then especially after I got my blood pressure taken (my systolic was normal but my diastolic was high--90) then my throat felt like I had a constant choking sensation. Someone choking me, really tight, couldn't breathe well, it hurt...it was jsut awful. And it lasted like 3 hours, as long as were there. So they called me into an office and I told the lady what I was feeling but my dad had to do a lot of talking for me because of my throat..then we did the paperwork, had to go sit back down...and eventually they brought me into the nursing center and they asked me questions but I called my byofriend in as well. My dad was with me but I wanted my boyfriend to be there. I was trying to remain calm the whole time but my throat was SO incredibly tight that I couldn't help but be scared. Basically first I had to pee in a cup to make sure I wasn't pregnant before they gave me some Ativan. They said they could give me it through IV or orally and I freaked out when they said IV I was like,"IV? No no no" cuz I've never had one and I'm not really afraid of needles but I haven't had a shot in years and also I've never had an IV or even blood drawn since I was too little of a kid to remember. She said I could decline the IV, but my dad and boyfriend were convincing me I would feel so much better so much faster if I took the IV. I was trying to consider it but decided I'd just take a pill.

But then my doctor asked if I wanted to get my thyroid checked and without thinking I said yes because obviously if my anxiety can be caused by my thyroid then I want to know. And actually, my dad has panic disorder and to this day has never gotten his thyroid checked so it would be kind of cool if there was a magical pill that helps the thyroid and then my panic attacks go away...But anyways, I said yes but then asked how they do that and she said,"I'm just gonna draw blood".....I was like,"Wait, how? Where? Like an IV?" My dad and boyfriend were giving me positive talk,"Karissa it lasts like 4 seconds and then it's over, it's just the initial prick. This will make you a stronger person and you're going to feel accomplished when you leave here. Well I was freaking out when the lady actually came in the room with the needle. She had to tie my arm with that rubber band (Scary) to make my vains pop out more...I was so scared, but I knew I had to just do it. So I had my dad and boyfriend next to me and I kept saying,"I can't do this, sorry I can't" but the lady doing it just kept going about her business, wiping me with the cloth and getting ready to stick the needle in. I knew there was no way out so I just looked the other way and closed my eyes. She counted to three and I felt a little prick and then I just sort of had to deal with the discomfort of the needle being in there (but it's not a long needle) and wait for the blood to be taken out. Then took the needle out and put a a cotton ball on it and held it with pressure to stop the bleeding and prevent bruising, then taped it on and that was it. After that I was SO ready for an IV, but as soon as I opened my eyes another doctor with a little cup like the type you drink cough medicine out of was standing in front of me. I couldn't tell what it was, but it ended up being a pill for Ativan..so I was like,"Soo..I should just take this and not the IV?" and whatever I took the pill with a cup of water she gave me. It was 1mg of ativan (lorazepam) I felt better for about 2 seconds but then I started getting panicky again.

Every little thing (from when I got to the hospital to after I took my medicine) was bothering me. My dad was like,"You really are giving this control over you. You need to realize it can't hurt you, you can breathe and you will be fine. You need to stop talking down on yourself so much." I knew it, but knowing and actually doing are two different things and as much as I tried to relax, watch tv, lay down, think positive, I started feeling a little more anxious, naseous, and started feeling this lump in the side of my throat..so I was offered to get XRays cuz my throat had been bothering me so much, and my jaw. Well my boyfriend came with me but when he was about to come in the room he couldn' go in. I started getting panicky (and this was like 20-30 mins after I had already taken the medicine)..I went in...extremely tight throat, thought my lungs were about to collapse..took maybe 1 minute to do the xrays, when I left I still felt bad. Went back to my room and boyfriend got me more water, but my dad had left. I just laid down and tried to relax..the thing in my neck was really bothering me, but eventually I could hardly feel it and the tightness in my throat went away significantly. After a while the doctor or nurse finally came in saying my xrays were fine and was I ready to go home? So I had a few questions first...and I was also feeling really sleepy so I might have sounded annoying the way I was talking. I asked about the lump that was bothering me and she checked and found that my lymph node was swollen so she came me amoxicillan along with prescription of .5mg of ativan that I should take sparaingly..really only when I need it...and also 25mg of atarax. It will supposedly make me drowsy (which is basically what the ativan ended up doing to me..1mg of it anyways, on top of the fact that I was really tired and worn out from my panic). So I also asked her about the tightness in my throat and said,"Is there nothing I can take for it?" and she said no that,"We know it's just a symptom that comes with your anxiety"...eh that wasn't the answer I really wanted but ok. I hate the tight throat feeling. I think I hate it more than my heart palpitations. Yeah, I do. I HATE IT.

But anyways, I was discharged and we all went to the 24 hr CVS so I could get my prescriptions. It was around 11:30pm at this time. All throughout being in CVS, I felt drunk lol. That's all I can describe it as. Really tired and drunk feeling..maybe a little dizzy but not really...I just remember not feeling anxious which is weird because I acutally kept asking myself,"I would normally freak out if I felt drowsy like this...because I feel out of control"...but my body wouldn't panic. It was just very mellow and tired. I was buying random things, I swear I was extremely tired..finally got back to the house and tried to write in a journal of mine and I found that I couldn't really write...I was writing things really silly and messy, so I just went to bed. My boyfriend said that I said something and when he replied I was already asleep lol. When I woke up this morning, I don't recall waking up once during the night which was really weird. As of right now, I am scared that I will like yesterday again (it was probably the worst day of my life as far as panic goes)...and more than any symptom...I just don't want the tight throat. Right now I'm also very tired...even though I slept a good 8 maybe 9 hours. I'm going to take amoxicillin today...and I'm going to try avoiding any medicine at least for the whole DAY..but if at night I absolutely need something (basically if my throat bothers me) then I will take an ativan. I don't want to try the atarax yet. I want to see how I do when this ativan wears off which should be soon. I might even take a nap right now.

I notice that I keep asking myself,"Oh what if my throat gets tight, what if it happens like last night? and then I panic?"...but so far my throat is completely fine. I'm kind of restricting it because I'm focusing on it and almost purposely MAKING it tight (why would I do that? I dont know..I swear just thinking about it makes me feel like it might be getting tighter) I really need to practice positive self talk. I might go read for a while. I'll write more later.

Oh and also, I'd love to overcome this AND the symptoms without medicine...I really would. I've never had a problem with a tight throat before and it's new to me but also the most bothersome thing I think I've ever felt. So I'm hoping either I can keep it under control, or it just doesn't come back. I don't like feeling like I can't make it go away and can't make MYSELF feel better...so we will see. I also can't stop thinking about how happy I would be if I didn't have anxiety. I'd be living my life the way I want, with fears still, but not a tight through and panic attacks. I can do this. I can be me again, I've done it before and I can do it again. So what, I have another symptom added onto it, but that's testing me and going to make me stronger. If it does come back, which I really hope it doesn't, but if it does, I will deal with it and I will be stronger and eventually it will go away. I don't have it right now though, so that's a plus. I just need to stop thinking about it but I swear I'm crazy sometimes I just think about something so much until I have it just so I can be mad about having it..it's fear, anger, I can't explain.

I want to be me, without panic. I want to laugh and be happy and not always be afraid. I can do this, I will get through it.