Fears.

I feel like the person I've always never wanted to become, a person I hate. I wish it was as easy as saying,"I don't want to be like this" that would just make me snap back to never having a panic attack again, but it's not that easy. I keep thinking about how great it would be if it was that easy. I've had conversations with people today about my panic attacks. My cousin said she gets them sometimes too and that she's been keeping busy to keep her mind off of it. I know anxiety runs on both sides of my family, but I never knew my cousin ever had a panic attack. I talked to a friend of mine who I don't talk to much but felt like IMing her today, and brought it up. She asked what I panic about (she had no idea I had panic attacks or anything like that) and I didn't even know what to say. I said "everything" and explained what has been happening. She told me that I probably need to just get out more. I agree that I do, but that's not going to stop the panic attacks altogether. I've gotten panic attacks while out before..I dunno. I also talked to my dad again. The one thing that makes me upset about the advice he gives me is that he recommends medicine a lot. He has to take medication everyday for anxiety. One of my greatest fears concerning anxiety is that I will have to take medication forever as well. I've heard of the withdrawal symptoms and I don't even want to get involved. I just don't want to rely on medicine. I'm really against it. Lately though I've been feeling like,"Oh man maybe this path is inevitable and I'm going to end up HAVING to take the medicine." That freaks me out. I've been so panicky about every little thing today that I feel like I'm in a hole and it keeps getting deeper and I can't jump out. Pretty soon it might be a point of no return. I'm going to have to take the rope. I don't want the help of medicine. Maybe if I NEED it one day, but I don't want to get addicted to medicine and in this current state of weak/unstable mind I'm afraid just taking it once will make me addicted which is why I'm trying to avoid it. I do want to visit the doctors and get checked up though. I hope everything will be ok with me and also with my boyfriend.

I've been scared that I won't be able to have a baby someday. I fear that I'll have panic attacks all throughout the pregnancy and ugh I hate worrying about things that haven't even happened yet but I read a girl's blog...she had to take xanax through the entire pregnancy. I don't want my panic attacks to get so bad that I have to rely on medicine and then I still have panic attacks. Lately they just seem to take over my body for no reason and I hate that. Usually they just come with reason, and I'm sure they still do but they come for too many reasons. Will I be able to go on vacation anymore without a panic attack? Uy yie yie. This is too stressful. Life wasn't supposed to be easy, I guess. I can't believe I'm letting fear control my life...I know it is my fear and way of thinking..but sometimes I wonder, is it? Is there something wrong with me..chemically? I mean if so many people need medicine does that make them weak or do panic attacks have the ability to control a life without any other answer of relief other than medicine? Do I have a choice? I've always thought I did but can I REALLY control my panic attacks? Will I bounce back and get back to normal again? I really pray I do. I can't live like this..well I can, but it won't be fun.

I need strength. This has been draining me, it's depressing just to write about. Writing helps me but it also brings out a lot of thoughts that I try to keep in the back of my head..some I never even thought about before until now. I just want to be normal and I feel really bad for my boyfriend who has to deal with me like this. He must really love me to stay with me. I'm thankful for that, but I wish I could be a better girlfriend to him, a better and stronger person for myself and for him...for us. I want to be the girl I used to be to him and to myself. I want this to go away. I can't give up, I can't take medicine. I need to do this the hard way because I think it will be most rewarding. I just need to know it can always be done without medicine, no matter how bad it gets. I need to know that after relapsing into panic like this and its worse than it's ever been for me..that I can get better again. Usually I have one panic attack and then I get better...it's been a couple days of this now and that's not normal for me.

I can be me again...I can't let this control my life. I control my life. If it wants to disturb it, fine..but I'm going to keep on going.