My story about my life with anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, and more. So far.

I'll tell you about myself. I'm 20 years old and I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was the oldest child so I assumed the role as the tough older sister. I remember thinking I was strong and independent, I was very creative and I've always been a daydreamer. I wanted to be a singer or an actress when I grew up. (That never happened lol) I had a few best friends and I was friendly with a lot of people although I did get nervous in social situations such as school. As a kid I didn't really like school because I would get anxiety about going every day. When I got into middle school, it became worse and I would miss around 30 days a year. I couldn't really remember ever going a whole week to school without either begging to stay home and using anxiety as an excuse, or going to the nurse's office and faking that I was sick. I was also very insecure during my teenage years. I got braces and I was going through the ugly duckling stage of my life that to this day I don't like to think about. I always had a group of friends that I was close with, and people always seemed to like me but I would be very shy around people I didn't know and I was never a social butterfly.

Moving to another town gave me a fresh start and I finished middle school there. I made new friends, still had my "group" of few close friends but I was more open to meeting new people and a little better at it too. I tried out for chorus with my friend and I became a little more confident in myself when I was able to sing with and in front of other people. I also really loved singing so it was a great escape from the normal classes in school. It helped my self esteem a lot and I even performed concerts in front of audiences with me in the front row with enjoyment. I was still insecure, I always have been, but I don't look back on these particular years as ones that I'm embarrassed to talk about. However, I did still miss a lot of school but a big part of the reason was just because I was using it as an excuse not to go. I didn't know that avoiding school even when I wasn't having that much anxiety about going just made my anxiety worse in the long run.

My anxiety did get much worse when I went to high school. Despite the fact that I was making more and more friends and starting to like my image more, I would start having a racing heart every time I went to class in the morning. I couldn't present anything in front of the class, I'd always have really bad anxiety if there was ever a project I had to read out loud and I would either skip school on days I had to do it or tell my teacher that I was having really bad anxiety about it so I could get out of doing it. Avoiding it definitely didn't help, but to this day I still don't think I would be ok with presenting in front of a class. The only classes I could present things in front of were the ones where I was really comfortable with everyone which was very rare.

Because of the fact that I was beginning to miss more and more school or showing up to school hours late because I would miss my bus in the morning and not want to leave the house, I was put on an anxiety medication and I started therapy. Therapy didn't really do much and to this day I haven't taken anything away from the sessions. I can't even remember one thing my therapist said to me. The medication may have helped a little bit but obviously not enough because my anxiety was really bad during my freshman and sophomore year of high school. It got to extremes. I also started having really bad obsessive traits. After every single class, I had to go into the bathroom and redo my hair. I would pull it so tight, and if any strand was wrong I'd do it over again. My friends would actually come into the bathroom with me and wait for me until they absolutely couldn't wait anymore. They would tell me I looked fine but I'd say,"No I need to redo it." Thinking back on it now, I can't believe they even waited for me but even more so I probably seemed nuts to them. I would miss most of my lunch waves on several occasions just because I had to fix my hair. Sometimes I wouldn't get to lunch until a few seconds before it was over, and I wouldn't have time to eat. There was 7 minutes between each class to get from one to the other, and I would spend all that time after every class just doing my hair. I would put it up into a bun and the bun on top of my head had to be hair sprayed so it wouldn't move. It also had to be completely even on both sides and had to look the right way. I would give myself headaches from pulling my hair too hard, and I probably even pulled my hairline back a bit as well as damaged my hair from all the hairspray and gel I would use. Let's just say there was one time I was out with my mom and two guys told me that I looked like Minnie Mouse. That's how ridiculous this hairstyle was. Going to school in the morning was just as bad, I'd miss my bus all the time and going into class late was something I hated doing because people would look at me, so many times instead of going to class I would walk around the entire school and then go into the bathrooms and stay in there until the bell rang and I'd go to my next class. I would probably be fixing my hair the entire time. It got to the point where I would cry to my parents in the morning and say,"I can't go to school today I am having an anxiety attack." The "anxiety attack" I am talking about was not a panic attack. In fact, many times I used the anxiety as an excuse not to go. I wasn't necessarily feeling any "anxiety attack". I was just worried about going because I was an insecure teenager. It was much different than the panic I feel now.

Well, it got so bad that I had to drop out of school and enroll in adult education instead. It was the same school except I went at night for a few hours. I thought that it would help if I wasn't waking up early in the morning and going to school, because that did make me more anxious. Well, it helped a lot. The classes were also smaller and so I wasn't as nervous being in them. I was able to make friends and get along with everyone in night school (adult education). I always did fairly well in school, but before night school I did start getting D's and F's and wouldn't pay too much attention to what was actually being taught in class because I would have my mind on going home or how anxious I felt. When I started night school I was getting honors every report card. The work was easier than day school though, but I applied myself much more and actually paid attention to everything and learned something. Many years of my education I spent not learning much of anything, to be honest. I don't know whether to blame the school system or myself. The school system I went to isn't one to brag about, but I definitely could have tried harder and when I went to night school I found that I was doing just that. It was something about being there when it was darker outside and more relaxed, I had the whole day to prepare to go rather than waking up and rushing out the door. I've always been a night person too so I found myself very satisfied with it and my teachers were very nice and understanding of everyone's problems because everyone there had one to be there. It's not a bad thing, it's much better than dropping out and not going to school at all. My teachers particularly liked my because I would get better grades than anyone in any of my classes and I felt good about that. When I graduated, I graduated as one of the top of my entire class and I won a few awards including the Superintendent's Award. As much as everything sounded like a nice fairytale ending, it wasn't. I was still avoiding things. I was putting off looking for a college to go to in the fear that I would have to go back to doing something during the day time, and to this day I still have not gone to college. I will give myself credit for what I did do, though. I showed up to school, I was able to speak up more in class and I was so much more confident. I wasn't afraid to talk in front of people AS much. I did a power point presentation in class. I also accepted an award at another award ceremony. I had to go up in front of the board of education and a ton of teachers and other students who graduated top of the class (people I knew were really smart because they would be the ones who got high honors when I was going to school during the day and slacking off) and even though I had a racing heart and felt like I was panicking, I went up and accepted the award and stood up in front of everyone while someone was talking about me for a few minutes. I was fine.

This was before I had my first real panic attack though. I thought I was smooth sailing and then of course something had to happen. Anxiety is very much like "One step forward, two steps back." I think it always will be. The point is to make that first step forward, no matter how small a step it's a step.

Well, I had been dating my serious boyfriend for a couple years when I graduated high school. Almost as soon as I turned 18, I moved in with him and his family in another state about an hour and a half away from my family. I needed to feel independent. I started hanging out with my boyfriend's friends (he's older than me and all his friends were in there 20s when I was 18). I was having a good time, I'd party a lot and drink a lot. Drinking made me feel good about myself, I probably wanted to be drunk all the time. It relaxed me, I didn't feel anxious at all and that is what I loved most about it. I was more confident when I was drunk than ever before. Well, it became a little bit of a problem. My boyfriend would go to work all day and I was supposed to be applying for jobs or college and I didn't. I was really afraid to get a job or go to college. I'd say I was looking but I wasn't. I started drinking alcohol by myself, taking shots when he was at work and I knew I was developing a problem. It took one night of overdoing it and having a terrible hangover the next day for me to snap out of it. I've had a fear of throwing up for a really long time, I only remember vomiting once in my life and I remember it felt like a choking sensation. To this day, I haven't thrown up. When I'm sick, I hold it in. My boyfriend is the complete opposite, he can throw up whenever he wants to and I'm a bit envious of him because this one time that I got way too drunk and probably should have emptied it out of my system, I wasn't able to. I actually tried really hard to but I just couldn't do it. So I stopped drinking..and reality was a scary thing for me. Maybe it stressed me out a bit and it was a lot to adjust to, not drinking anymore. I realized I wasn't as confident anymore. I realized that I wasn't as fun or carefree and I was worrying about things.

One day I had my first panic attack and I remember it very well. I remember I woke up on my parent's couch and I got my diet coke from the floor and took a sip. I started heading upstairs to go to my bed and my mom started talking to me, but I felt weird so I told her I had to go to sleep. When I got in bed I was having a weird pain in my back, it felt like my lungs got caught on my ribs or something and when I breathed it hurt a little so I started overreacting and freaking out. All of a sudden, a huge rush went through my body and my my body went out of control. My heart was racing and suddenly my mind told me,"Get help. You need an ambulance." I ran upstairs to my parents room and I was screaming and crying. I said,"Call 911 please, I think I'm dying something is wrong." My dad was telling me to try to stay calm. I had NO idea what was happening. Was it my time to go? I felt like I was going to throw up everywhere and I also felt like I was going to pass out. I'm surprised I didn't because I've never been so out of breath, dizzy, and lightheaded in my life. I thought I was having a heart attack. Then my dad told me,"You're having a panic attack." I thought,"What is a panic attack? This doesn't feel like the anxiety attacks I used to have." I was wondering why it wouldn't stop. Why was my heart uncontrollably beating at a fast pace. Why was I shaking so much and having difficulty breathing? It was probably the scariest moment in my life. My dad was trying to calm me down and I kept saying,"I love you guys, I'm sorry but I think I'm dying." He was trying to explain to me what a panic attack was and he told me he has them all the time. I had no idea he had what I had. I knew he had anxiety and took medicine for it, but I never knew a panic attack even existed. I never knew this could happen to me or anyone for that matter. It was completely foreign to me. It wasn't like anything I've ever felt with anxiety because this was more like my body taking over me. I had no control, and that scared me. For the restof the night I was afraid it would happen again. I laid down in my parent's bed and watched funny things on tv because anything else would have set me off. I didn't know what to do. All of a sudden I questioned my entire life. "What am I going to do now? I can't leave the house. I can't have kids. I can't travel anymore. I can't ever get a job. I can't go to the store. I can't get married. I can't even go back to Massachusetts. I need to stay here." I was talking to myself as if I now had a disability that I had to live with. The pressure on my chest from the anxiety was so immense. It literally felt like I had a boulder inside of my chest. I described it that way because that's really what it felt like. I went to the doctor's and I got prescribed Ativan. I was told I could take it like regular medicine and it would kick in in about 30 minutes. I wasn't to take it every day. That night I went home and ate food and took my medicine. I sat on the couch watching TV and every movement or loud noise I got upset. I would say,"Please don't do that I'm going to have a panic attack." I was making everyone not say certain things or do certain things because I was extremely sensitive and afraid to have another attack. The medicine helped. The "boulder" in my chest went away. I heard something on the radio,"Are you a worrier? Do you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks" something along those lines. It was Lucinda Bassett. I was so desperate, I called the number and was about to sign up and get my package but then I found her book upstairs in my room. In one of my drawers, I found "From Panic To Power". My mom had bought it for me for my anxiety and I had never read it. I decided to just read that. All day and all night, until I went to sleep and as soon as I woke up I would read the book. I never finished a book so fast. However, I do remember skipping any parts that talked about other people's experiences with their panic attacks. Once she would write about the symptoms of a panic attack, I would immediately skip the page and look for something else. I wanted to know how to cope with it and get rid of it, I never wanted to think about the actual panic attack ever again or have it lingering in my mind. I didn't realize that was part of the healing process, because what happens next in my life was a challenge.

After reading the book, I felt so much better. I remember one day I was about to take a shower, and I got a pen and paper and started writing down a ton of positive self talk quotes. Things like,"I can do this. Just be happy and live life. Who cares if I panic? It's only temporary it will go away. Don't waste life worrying." and I felt so much better. I kept repeating these things to myself and I could feel myself not worrying as much about the panic attack. I accepted it. I remember in the shower I started singing "What a Wonderful World." I had a whole new outlook on life and I was ready to live and get over the panic attack. Well, I carried my Ativan around with me everywhere I went but I hardly ever took it. I went months without a panic attack and without ever taking the medicine. I went to Florida with my boyfriend. This was my second time going, the first time was before I ever had a panic attack and I remember not even being nervous about flying. I was excited. I couldn't wait to get to the airport and go on a plane for the first time. Well this time, we weren't flying. We were going to drive all the way down, it was about 21 hours of driving. I was nervous that I might have a panic attack on the ride down, but I didn't. I slept a lot of the way actually. I brought my book with me and even a stuffed animal that I started sleeping with. Having my medicine with me felt like my safety net. I just thought,"If I need to, I can just take my medicine." and I think that helped a lot with not having panic attacks because instead of thinking,"What if I panic?" I now had something I could feel safe with which was my medicine.

Then we took a trip to a casino, and I had my first panic attack in a long time there. I remember I was in the hotel room and my boyfriend was downstairs in the poker room. I was watching TV and doing ab workouts on the floor and suddenly I realized,"Oh, I'm working out my abs and I'm breathing heavy and breaking a little bit of a sweat and my heart is going faster. What if I panic?". I wasn't even anxious or anything but as soon as I asked myself,"What if I panic" I started panicking. I talked to myself and said,"No, no it's ok." and I stopped working out and just walked around the room and then went on my computer. Well, I was kind of antsy and at that point anything would set off an attack. I just so happened to decide to go into a message board where people were arguing about politics. Bad idea. My heart began to pound and an adrenaline rush shot through my body. I was having a panic attack. I remember rushing to get dressed to go downstairs and stumbling all over the place. I was talking out loud and it went from a tone trying to calm myself to a panicked tone. "Oh no oh no". I reached for my cell phone and called my mom. No answer. Then I really freaked out. I was on the verge of crying, my body was already on speed mode and there was no turning back. I called the front desk and the lady picked up, I told her I was having a panic attack and I needed help. She said she'd send help up to the room. I said ok...not thinking I hung up the phone. All of a sudden, it was going away. Just knowing that someone knew and that help was coming made it go away. So I called back to tell her it was ok and just go get my boyfriend who was in the poker room, so she contacted the poker room for me and got my boyfriend to come upstairs. While I was waiting, my mom called back. I told her what happened. At this point I was shaking as part of the aftermath of my panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking, but I already felt much better than before. My boyfriend came in the room and I told him what happened too. He sat there with me until I got off the phone with my dad who was talking to me and comforting me. I felt very embarrassed and ashamed. I was angry that I had a panic attack because I had felt so strong and good about myself for not having one, that now that I had one again I was so disappointed. I had to go back to reading my book to feel a little better again. I didn't think this day would come, but it did. I started thinking I would have to limit the things I did. "What if I can't go on vacations anymore?"

We took another trip to Florida. This time we were taking a plane. I was nervous about the flight, because I knew once I was in the air I wouldn't be able to get out and that made me feel scared but I did have medicine and I had my boyfriend so it wasn't that bad. It got a little worse when we were sitting in the terminal waiting to board the plane. I remember I took one Ativan just to help relax me a little. I hadn't taken one in so long so I felt kind of weak doing it, but it did help. When I got on the plane, I was a little nervous but once I was strapped in and looked around me and saw all the other people on the plane too I felt fine. I put on my headphones and watched tv the entire way and we got there just fine. My boyfriend and I went to Universal Studios. We went there the first time we went to Florida with his parents, this was the first time we were going alone and the first time I was going on any rides after my first panic attack. I was really nervous for some reason but I made myself do it. This may have been around the time that my heart rate started scaring me. I went through a phase where my heart beating fast actually didn't scare me at all, but then as I mentioned earlier I had the panic attack at the casino and then all of tha changed. For example, when I'm in a hot shower and my heart is beating hard and fast because it's hot I tend to start to panic sometimes. Well, the weather in Florida is no different. Somehow I managed to get through the vacation fine though. I even went on a water ride I never thought I'd go on. I was having a little panic attack in line for the ride, but once it started going the anxiety was also excitement. I remember saying out loud,"I'm so nervous ahh" and just saying it made me feel better. There were two people on the same little boat as us that didn't seem to notice I was really nervous at all. The ride ended up being a blast. After that day at Universal, I felt accomplished. I didn't let the hot weather ruin my day or my anxiety ruin my ride experiences.

Since then I've also went to NYC a few times. The first time was fine, didn't panic at all. The second time I remember thinking,"What if I panic this time?" and I didn't. Last month we also went again for a few nights for our anniversary. I thought,"I haven't been there in a while I'm probably going to panic this time" but I didn't. Infact, being around all those people and the rush of the city helps my anxiety. I walk fast and I can handle it. My heart goes fast and I can handle it. I go to fancy restaurants with uptight people and I can handle it. Somehow, my anxiety was much more under control in NYC than say here in a random small town in Massachusetts.

However, just in the past month...well more specifically, the past week or two, things have been a lot worse than normal. It all started Halloween morning. I woke up feeling really depressed. I had been daydreaming a lot lately and kind of becoming less attached to reality, so I think that might have played a part in it. I just remember thinking,"Life is too much, what if I go crazy and I'm no longer myself and I can't handle it anymore?" I started to panic about it and I felt like I wasn't in touch anymore. Nothing can make me happy, not even me. I've given up on life and happiness. I don't know why I felt this way, it just happened. I thought about panic attacks and how they would probably end up controlling my life for some reason and I would need medication. I told my boyfriend and he comforted me which made it temporarily go away, but still even today I'm somewhat struggling with it. We went to my parent's house to bring my little sister trick or treating and Halloween was fun. I didn't have any anxiety or panic attacks, just still feeling a little depressed and I've been worried that I'm not as excited about life anymore. Well a couple nights ago, I started feeling like I couldn't breathe as well. My throat felt really tight like it was closing. I tried ignoring it but I couldn't anymore so I ran upstairs and looked in the mirror at my throat to make sure it was open. I calmed down for a minute or so but then I started panicking from thinking too much about it and I ran upstairs to my parent's room. It was a scene very familiar to a couple of years ago. I went up there with a racing heart, I was out of breath and felt like my throat was closing and I woke them up to ask them about it and I started crying. My dad told me he knows exactly what I was feeling and that he has had it many times before. Once again, like the first panic attack I ever had, it was nice hearing from him that it was normal and that he's had it before too. He told me it was just my anxiety. I didn't think it could be because I haven't really been anxious at all lately, just a little depressed..but he told me it was definitely my anxiety and that I was giving myself the symptoms just by thinking those things. I said,"What if my throat closes and I can't breathe and I die?" and he told me that wasn't possible. He told me the things I was feeling weren't real. Just hearing him say that made me feel better...and I went downstairs to try to sleep. It was a bit difficult but eventually I fell asleep. In the morning, however, I still felt weird and my throat felt like. During the day when I was watching movies and not thinking about it, I notied it didn't bother me but then when my boyfriend and I started heading back home to Massachusetts, my throat felt very tight again. On the way home in the car, I had a panic attack. The funny thing is, I just sat through it. In my mind it was terrible and I was frightened...but my boyfriend doesn't even know I had a panic attack because I didn't say a word. I was actually too afraid to move or say anyhting, so I sat there and waited for it to go away. I would like to say that it was easy and didn't scare me, but it wasn't and it did. I knew that was all I could do though, and even though I wanted to panic and just scream and cry I knew we were in the car and there was no point. I called my mom and told her and my dad and they talked to me about it. When we got home, we were in the kitchen with my boyfriend's brothers and usually being around people makes me feel better but I was still feeling very panicky and nervous. I felt like I was losing it. I didn't say anything though, once again I kept it to myself and just dealt with it internally. I was very nervous about going to vote, it was election day and this was my first time voting ever. The anticipatory anxiety I was giving myself was terrible, but then his mom came downstairs and said,"Go vote you guys" because we had a half an hour left. I thought there was going to be long lines and I thought,"What if I wait a long time and then as soon as I get to the front of the line I can't vote because I panic and I waited all that time for nothing?", "What if my boyfriend is in the voting booth and I have a panic attack?" and "What if I have a panic attack in the voting booth?". Well, when we got there, there was no line. We went up to the desk, got our ballot, and got to stand next to each other and talk to each other while filling it out. There was hardly anyone there, maybe 5 other people voting but they weren't even near us. It was a piece of cake. I was so happy, and when we got to his house that all changed, of course. His father came downstairs and said,"Did you vote?" and we said,"Yes" with smiles on our faces...but then he said,"Now you're going to start getting mail telling you to do jury duty." I freaked out. I immediately though,"OH MY GOD, why did I vote??? It wasn't worth it at all. I can't do jury duty I'll have panic attacks during it." I went downstairs and cried, called my dad and asked him if it was true and he told me not to worry about it right now and that if I'm panicking when the time comes around that I get asked to do it, I can get a doctor's note and tell him I can't do it because of my anxiety. I was so nervous just thinking about it, and it hasn't even happened yet. My dad told me not to worry about it, and he kept repeating that to me because really the only advice he can give to me is not to worry about it. Worrying about it definitely wasn't helping. So I felt a little better about that, but then we were going to a party that night to celebrate the election and I was nervous about that. "What if I have a panic attack and everyone is drunk and doesn't care or can't take me to the hospital?"..well, I went...and I had a good time. I talked with people almost the whole night and my throat wasn't even tight the entire time I was there probably because I didn't have time to sit and think about it.

That was just yesterday. Today I woke up with a racing heart, and every movement made my heart beat really fast and hard. I couldn't understand why...but I've been very anxious today. My chest was really tight and I couldn't breathe well, it was almost unbareable and I wasn't sure if I was going to be ok this morning. It went away for the most part, but I'm still a bit edgy. I decided to make a blog from now on talking about when things are bad, when they're good, etc. I did keep a journal on a lot of specific times, but I'd rather type it all out on here than write it down for some reason. Also, maybe if other people read it, they can relate to me. I know it's nice knowing that I'm not alone, and it's probably nice for other people to know there are others struggling just like them but not to give up. I'm trying not to give up as I'm writing this, it's hard because lately I've been feeling like every time I go back to this panic feeling I just get more and more discouraged and lose a bit of hope...but if I can't live life for myself or at least try to enjoy it then I've given up on the one life I have.

I'm hoping writing about everything will help me deal with my own personal demons. I'm not afraid to talk about them anymore either. I went through a stage where I wanted to avoid ever thinking about past panic attacks in the fear that it would cause another one, and I wanted to avoid hearing anything about them whatsoever but I think it's ok to face up to the reality of it because if I can't deal with hearing about it then I'm not really healed am I? Isn't that avoidance? Well, I shouldn't talk like I'm against avoidance. I still avoid things every day. If you're wondering what exactly I'm like today and to what extent my anxiety goes to...I'm afraid of being alone, the last time my boyfriend left me home alone I was fine. I almost panicked but I kept writing in my journal about it and somehow made it through several hours with him not at the house..but now if I think about him going away again I get scared because lately my panic attacks have been much worse than ever and I'm feeling new symptoms that I've never felt before so I'm not sure how I'd do if I was alone again. Also I've always had a huge fear of illness and especially death. I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend or loved ones. I don't even like my boyfriend to go out by himself driving because I'm afraid he'll die...and I absolutely cannot think about that because I don't want to lose him. Not just because he makes me feel safe but because I love him and want to hopefully be able to be a good wife and mother someday (although I have my doubts)..and he's my best friend. I'm afraid of being a bad mother or wife. I'm afraid of losing my mind or not being in control. I'm afraid that I might be too afraid to travel someday...and currently with my depression I'm even afraid that I'll lose interest in everything that makes me happy in life because lately I've been feeling unattached and kind of emotionless. I can't go into a grocery store by myself. I need to take my phone with me when I go in the shower incase I panic. I'm terrified of getting sick, I'm probably a hypochondriac. I haven't been diagnosed it, but ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you I probably am. I still have obsessive compulsive traits..I probably have OCD. For example, I don't like touching things with my middle finger...I don't like the numbers 3, 6, 9, 12, 24, 36, 39. Also, if I hear about a disease I'll think I'll get it or somehow make myself have it. Also if I hear about other people's obsessive thoughts I might start to have them. I've given myself scary, disturbing thoughts before and some I couldn't tell anyone because they are so disgusting and bad that I try not to think about them anymore and I tell myself that I realize they're just thoughts I'm putting in my head. If I had to say what I thought I suffer from, I'm pretty sure I could have it verified by a doctor that I have panic disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, obsession compulsion disorder, and hypochondriasis. Let's hope that I don't become a schizophrenic or lose my mind and go insane or mental too because that is a huge fear of mine.

A lot of people I know have no idea...some know that I have anxiety and panic attacks someitmes but they don't know the extent of it. My boyfriend knows but he doesn't understand...and he thinks he understands but he only sees it from his perspective which is that I'm just being weak. He doesn't mean to be mean about it and I realize that from his upbringing he can't understand or have any idea...no matter how much I try to explain it to him. I do realize a lot of it is me being weak and it's mental, but tha doesn't make it easy to fix. I don't think one person knows me as well as I know myself though, especially as far as OCD and obsessive thoughts go because I don't share them all with anyone. I think some things shouldn't be told because it's hard enough for me to deal with it but having people think differently about me or even knowing that I think some thoughts would make me feel worse about myself.

Well, I think I've talked enough about myself today. Of course there's a lot more I didn't write about, but maybe I'll feel like bringing up things in other posts. I'll write more when I have something I want to write about.