Baby steps

Today I haven't been able to feel out of the ordinary and a little down about my anxiety lately. I have been reading two books though, From Panic to Power again and The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook which I've had laying around for quite a while. I'm also watching a channel on television that I've never watched before, the worship channel. I haven't ever been religious, I've always felt there was a God but I guess like many people I've been ignoring it. Maybe it's because I have a lot of things about myself that I'm not proud of or even afraid that I couldn't ever give up so I don't feel like I can "do it"...by that I mean follow all the rules and live for God. I will admit that when I feel like there's nothing left and I'm not sure what to live for anymore, I feel like turning to God. Usually I only cry out to Him when I'm in pain or feel like I'm going to die, or if I want something. That's a bit selfish. I guess living for Him and not just myself would be a scary change for me. I'm not sure if it's something I want to do right now. The worship channel is nice to watch though, it's mostly just videos of peaceful scenery with quotes and psalms. I always thought this channel would have someone preaching on it all day, but I guess since I never took the time to watch I didn't know.

Anyways, a lot of me just wants to read all day because I feel kind of weak and when this happens I tend to hold onto whatever comfort I can get and not want to go out of that comfort zone. Today my boyfriend and I want to look at apartments, but there is that part of me thinking "What if we move and I panic everyday there and we can't move?" "What if I'm all alone in the apartment and I panic and I'm far away from any help like my family?" That type of stuff. I told him that I was worrying about traveling, because we love to travel but "What if when we go hours away from home I have a panic attack and I won't be able to get any help because I'm so far away" and he said,"Well then you will just have to deal with it, why worry about it?" I know what he is saying is right and in a way it helps.

I remember one morning he was going to go out all day and I'd be at the house by myself. I was working myself up, trying so hard to just stay strong but I found that when I woke up I was so anxious almost like I had to go to school. I would write in my journal constantly to get it all out of my system and hopefully feel better, but I just couldn't help but feel like "I'm going to panic when he leaves". I called my parents on the phone to talk to them and I talked to my dad, who has panic attacks. I told him what I was feeling and he told me that usually the worst part is anticipating what's going to happen. I said,"What if I panic and I'm by myself and have to call an ambulance?" and he said,"Well that might not be a good idea because once they got to the house your panic attack would be gone." I said,"That's true. But I don't want to have a panic attack by myself" and he said,"So what if you do? What bad thing is going to happen once the panic attack is over?" I said,"Nothing..." He told me that you just go with the feelings and then they will pass, I'm not going to die from it. Suddenly, just from hearing someone say that to me, I decided very confidently,"I can do it." and I wasn't even afraid anymore. My boyfriend took me to the grocery store so I could buy some food for the day, and when I got back to the house he had to rush and take a shower and get ready to go. I made him breakfast and packed him a sandwich for lunch and his friend came over the house because he was getting a ride with him. When it was time for him to leave, I wasn't even that nervous. I was nervous because I couldn't believe I was actually going with it and not begging for him to stay..but other than that I didn't panic. After he left, I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried to keep myself busy, but I found that I didn't want to be walking around doing chores and get myself worked up so I sat down and went on the computer. Every time I thought I was going to panic, I wrote about it and it made me feel better. When I took my mind off of it, it went away. When I couldn't take my mind off of it, the only thing I could do was not be afraid of it and if I believed I wasn't afraid then it would go away. It seems like panic attacks only happen when I am afraid they will happen. For some reason, when I tell myself,"Oh well who cares" it usually never even starts up.

So why am I worried about now? I guess I shouldn't be. I try to remind myself that I'm going to be ok...but when you're feeling anxious about so many things it is easier said than done. I guess all I can do it deal with it just like every time. The only thing different now than then is the fact that I've been a bit depressed lately and that puts a damper on everything such as my thoughts which happens to be the biggest problem with anxiety. It's all in the way that I think. When I'm questioning my own sanity and obviously I'm a bit depressed, it's harder to want to push myself and think positive. But I'm going to try. I want to feel happy again, I miss it.

Some helpful things I've read that I'm trying to remind myself when I feel like I'm going to panic are that I shouldn't overreact to the panic, I should listen to it. See my surroundings and ask myself what I see, smell, what I'm touching? Look at it as an outsider, like someone watching me while having a panic attack and just observe. Also to remind myself that anxiety allows me to feel, it shows that I'm alive. I'm feeling something. The worst result from a panic attack is that I'll feel spacey, fuzzy, lightheaded during it then depressed and tired afterwards, but that's no big deal. I can give myself permission to feel anxious, everyone feels anxious. Panic attacks aren't a bad thing, they are actually the response we would have for survival mode. The difference is that we are having them in situations that aren't life threatening, sometimes for no apparent reason at all. There is no need to be afraid of it though, just let it pass.

I need to practice the positive self talk, replacing my negative thoughts. When I think something negative, I need to replace it with something positive and get used to doing that. I also need to practice the meditating and the breathing from the abdomen. I tried last night and it made me a bit lightheaded, so I stopped. I did read something on guided imagery or something, it was describing a nice beach and reading it made me feel very relaxed, I almost fell asleep while reading it. Another thing I'd like to do is incorporate changing my "what if" thinking into good "what ifs". From "What if we go on vacation to the mountains and I panic up there and nobody is there to help me?" to "What if we go and I end up loving it and the mountains relax me and I don't panic at all?". Although, that doesn't seem so believable to me now because I think I really might panic up in the mountains. I won't have cell phone reception which scares me, and a hospital won't be that close by too. However, I guess I could change my negative thoughts on it to,"Well then I just panic, and worst case scenerio we can call 911 on the phone in the cabin." or "The feelings will go away, and I will bring my books to read if I need them." Just typing that out makes me feel better. If I live in fear, I'm just going to always be depressed. The last thing that will help me right now is staying the way I am and not trying. It's better to do things that I feel like I can't do with my anxiety than to sit down and wait because then I'll be sitting here forever. So I'm going to try...

Also, before I stop writing, I'm going to write another what if replacement and another positive replacement for my negative thoughts.

Negative What if Thinking: "What if we get an apartment and I go crazy and have panic attacks all the time and can't be there alone?"
Some replacements: "What if we get an apartment and I get to decorate it and clean and bake. Maybe we'll even get a puppy. So what if I panic? Having a panic attack will only make me stronger in the end, eventually I'll have panicked so much that it won't affect me anymore. But avoiding ever getting an apartment just because I might panic won't ever solve anything except make me more anxious. The apartment will become home to me and I'll feel safe there and I'll love it. If I panic at first, it's normal because it's somewhere I'm getting used to and it's a new environment. I can always call my parents for support, and I will have my boyfriend there with me too. There is no need to be afraid about it, it's something I've been wanting to do for so long and I'm letting a stupid fear get in the way of something that will be exciting and good for us."

It's a start. :) I'm going to look at apartments online, maybe read some more.