Went to the ER last night

My family drove an hour and a half to come pick me up and bring me to the ER..they wanted to be there while I went and seriously, I don't know what I would have done if they weren't there. I was fine geting in the car and walking in, but then as soon as I started sitting down waiting and then especially after I got my blood pressure taken (my systolic was normal but my diastolic was high--90) then my throat felt like I had a constant choking sensation. Someone choking me, really tight, couldn't breathe well, it hurt...it was jsut awful. And it lasted like 3 hours, as long as were there. So they called me into an office and I told the lady what I was feeling but my dad had to do a lot of talking for me because of my throat..then we did the paperwork, had to go sit back down...and eventually they brought me into the nursing center and they asked me questions but I called my byofriend in as well. My dad was with me but I wanted my boyfriend to be there. I was trying to remain calm the whole time but my throat was SO incredibly tight that I couldn't help but be scared. Basically first I had to pee in a cup to make sure I wasn't pregnant before they gave me some Ativan. They said they could give me it through IV or orally and I freaked out when they said IV I was like,"IV? No no no" cuz I've never had one and I'm not really afraid of needles but I haven't had a shot in years and also I've never had an IV or even blood drawn since I was too little of a kid to remember. She said I could decline the IV, but my dad and boyfriend were convincing me I would feel so much better so much faster if I took the IV. I was trying to consider it but decided I'd just take a pill.

But then my doctor asked if I wanted to get my thyroid checked and without thinking I said yes because obviously if my anxiety can be caused by my thyroid then I want to know. And actually, my dad has panic disorder and to this day has never gotten his thyroid checked so it would be kind of cool if there was a magical pill that helps the thyroid and then my panic attacks go away...But anyways, I said yes but then asked how they do that and she said,"I'm just gonna draw blood".....I was like,"Wait, how? Where? Like an IV?" My dad and boyfriend were giving me positive talk,"Karissa it lasts like 4 seconds and then it's over, it's just the initial prick. This will make you a stronger person and you're going to feel accomplished when you leave here. Well I was freaking out when the lady actually came in the room with the needle. She had to tie my arm with that rubber band (Scary) to make my vains pop out more...I was so scared, but I knew I had to just do it. So I had my dad and boyfriend next to me and I kept saying,"I can't do this, sorry I can't" but the lady doing it just kept going about her business, wiping me with the cloth and getting ready to stick the needle in. I knew there was no way out so I just looked the other way and closed my eyes. She counted to three and I felt a little prick and then I just sort of had to deal with the discomfort of the needle being in there (but it's not a long needle) and wait for the blood to be taken out. Then took the needle out and put a a cotton ball on it and held it with pressure to stop the bleeding and prevent bruising, then taped it on and that was it. After that I was SO ready for an IV, but as soon as I opened my eyes another doctor with a little cup like the type you drink cough medicine out of was standing in front of me. I couldn't tell what it was, but it ended up being a pill for Ativan..so I was like,"Soo..I should just take this and not the IV?" and whatever I took the pill with a cup of water she gave me. It was 1mg of ativan (lorazepam) I felt better for about 2 seconds but then I started getting panicky again.

Every little thing (from when I got to the hospital to after I took my medicine) was bothering me. My dad was like,"You really are giving this control over you. You need to realize it can't hurt you, you can breathe and you will be fine. You need to stop talking down on yourself so much." I knew it, but knowing and actually doing are two different things and as much as I tried to relax, watch tv, lay down, think positive, I started feeling a little more anxious, naseous, and started feeling this lump in the side of my throat..so I was offered to get XRays cuz my throat had been bothering me so much, and my jaw. Well my boyfriend came with me but when he was about to come in the room he couldn' go in. I started getting panicky (and this was like 20-30 mins after I had already taken the medicine)..I went in...extremely tight throat, thought my lungs were about to collapse..took maybe 1 minute to do the xrays, when I left I still felt bad. Went back to my room and boyfriend got me more water, but my dad had left. I just laid down and tried to relax..the thing in my neck was really bothering me, but eventually I could hardly feel it and the tightness in my throat went away significantly. After a while the doctor or nurse finally came in saying my xrays were fine and was I ready to go home? So I had a few questions first...and I was also feeling really sleepy so I might have sounded annoying the way I was talking. I asked about the lump that was bothering me and she checked and found that my lymph node was swollen so she came me amoxicillan along with prescription of .5mg of ativan that I should take sparaingly..really only when I need it...and also 25mg of atarax. It will supposedly make me drowsy (which is basically what the ativan ended up doing to me..1mg of it anyways, on top of the fact that I was really tired and worn out from my panic). So I also asked her about the tightness in my throat and said,"Is there nothing I can take for it?" and she said no that,"We know it's just a symptom that comes with your anxiety"...eh that wasn't the answer I really wanted but ok. I hate the tight throat feeling. I think I hate it more than my heart palpitations. Yeah, I do. I HATE IT.

But anyways, I was discharged and we all went to the 24 hr CVS so I could get my prescriptions. It was around 11:30pm at this time. All throughout being in CVS, I felt drunk lol. That's all I can describe it as. Really tired and drunk feeling..maybe a little dizzy but not really...I just remember not feeling anxious which is weird because I acutally kept asking myself,"I would normally freak out if I felt drowsy like this...because I feel out of control"...but my body wouldn't panic. It was just very mellow and tired. I was buying random things, I swear I was extremely tired..finally got back to the house and tried to write in a journal of mine and I found that I couldn't really write...I was writing things really silly and messy, so I just went to bed. My boyfriend said that I said something and when he replied I was already asleep lol. When I woke up this morning, I don't recall waking up once during the night which was really weird. As of right now, I am scared that I will like yesterday again (it was probably the worst day of my life as far as panic goes)...and more than any symptom...I just don't want the tight throat. Right now I'm also very tired...even though I slept a good 8 maybe 9 hours. I'm going to take amoxicillin today...and I'm going to try avoiding any medicine at least for the whole DAY..but if at night I absolutely need something (basically if my throat bothers me) then I will take an ativan. I don't want to try the atarax yet. I want to see how I do when this ativan wears off which should be soon. I might even take a nap right now.

I notice that I keep asking myself,"Oh what if my throat gets tight, what if it happens like last night? and then I panic?"...but so far my throat is completely fine. I'm kind of restricting it because I'm focusing on it and almost purposely MAKING it tight (why would I do that? I dont know..I swear just thinking about it makes me feel like it might be getting tighter) I really need to practice positive self talk. I might go read for a while. I'll write more later.

Oh and also, I'd love to overcome this AND the symptoms without medicine...I really would. I've never had a problem with a tight throat before and it's new to me but also the most bothersome thing I think I've ever felt. So I'm hoping either I can keep it under control, or it just doesn't come back. I don't like feeling like I can't make it go away and can't make MYSELF feel better...so we will see. I also can't stop thinking about how happy I would be if I didn't have anxiety. I'd be living my life the way I want, with fears still, but not a tight through and panic attacks. I can do this. I can be me again, I've done it before and I can do it again. So what, I have another symptom added onto it, but that's testing me and going to make me stronger. If it does come back, which I really hope it doesn't, but if it does, I will deal with it and I will be stronger and eventually it will go away. I don't have it right now though, so that's a plus. I just need to stop thinking about it but I swear I'm crazy sometimes I just think about something so much until I have it just so I can be mad about having it..it's fear, anger, I can't explain.

I want to be me, without panic. I want to laugh and be happy and not always be afraid. I can do this, I will get through it.

Going to keep track

So I decided I'm going to leave this open incase I have any feelings that I want to write down. I have some right now. I still have a weird feeling in my throat except it's really odd because it literally feels like a lump and my chest is kind of hurting too. My throat feels really dry but I think it's the "lump" in my throat that is making it feel like that. It almost feels like I have something seriously stuck in there and feeling it and thinking about it is making me really nervous right now. I'm eating a cough drop and it's making my throat have a cold/tingly sensation except for that one spot which feels like the skin in my throat is sticking together. I'm getting nervous...this thing in my throat is really worrying me now. I don't know whether I should say something or not but it's seriously concerning me because I feel like I've got something stuck in there. I've had the "lump" in my throat feeling before but not like this where I feel like I'm choking. Gotta go.

Just called my dad..he said it was anxiety..I swear I feel it. Ugh. I'm gonna go upstairs.

Long phone call

I just got off the phone with my dad who has had anxiety for a really long time and knows what I'm going through. It's funny because I don't feel anxious but my physical symptoms that are bothering me are somewhat making me anxious. Right now I have a tight jaw...I'm just relaxing it and not moving it much or chewing...and also I have this feeling like a lump in my throat. My throat feels tighter and possibly even sore. I'm trying to look at my symptoms like a doctor would..rather than react to them just observe and write them down. My dad kept reminding me that nothing bad happens from a panic attack, it just feels uncomfortable. I hope I can go back to not having a panic attack for a long time. I'd much rather have a year without one and then get one again than to have them every day like I am now. I'm going to try to get out more and go out to eat and stuff once my jaw feels better. Also, I want to start walking. Excercise definitely helps my anxiety..I remember when I used to work out and run a couple miles a day on the treadmill when we were on vacation going down to Florida that I felt great about myself and didn't have much anxiety at all. That's sort of why I don't want to take medicine either. If I was able to feel great then without medicine I can do it again. I feel like taking medicine is ok if it's like once ina while just to help when things are really bad, but if I take it every day I'm sort of giving up on really trying every day. It's doing all the work for me. My dad told me that it would be much harder to get over this without medicine which obviously is true because say you have a headache..you can either wait it out or take medicine to make it go away. Except with anxiety medicine you need to keep taking it every day and it doesn't really get to the root of the problem. I'm sure if I work on it myself I can make it go away for a while, and I'm also sure that I'll probably have a panic attack again someday just because thigns happen and stressful things occur or there's times that I just get anxious, but that doesn't mean I should just take medicine for it. If there was a medicin that was non-addictive, non habit forming and had no withdrawal, I would take it when I needed it...but I don't want something I HAVE to always take. I don't want to feel bound to something. I am my own person and I am able to get over this myself, maybe not forever...but I can do it. I can't really explain why I'm against medicine...I guess to me it feels like giving up. It's sort of like me saying,"I can't do this without medicine"..and I have before so I can again. Maybe I'll leave to take something one day if it's a really bad day, but that's a lot different than taking it every day.

Anyways, enough babbling about the medicine issue. I feel like my throat is getting worse...feels like there's something stuck in it and I'm already saying,"What if I panic from it?" or "What if my throat closes?"...my chest feels a little tight too. But I'm going to try not to think about it. Also I just realized I might have to change doctors already because if I was to have an emergency this town that my doctor is going to be in is a bit far...hmm. We'll see.

I can do this. I've done it before. So what if I panic? Then I panic. It makes me stronger.

STOP

That's what I want to scream out to myself right now and my anxiety--STOP! Reading what other people go through doesn't help either. I wanted to make sure this jaw tightness and weak feeling especially when I chew is normal and I guess a lot of people with anxiety and stress get it but enough is enough! Go away! I'm tired of it. It's all in my head. I read that people have tingling sensations in their jaw too..and now I'm getting it. Coincidence? I mean I did get a tingling sensation before but now a lot more because I'm thinking about it. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. What am I going to do? Live like this forever. I mean it's enough to have to deal with not having a panic attack, which I'm not and haven't been...but my jaw is bothering me because of my anxiety. So does that mean that when I'm stressed or anxious that even if I'm not having a panic attack, I'm going to have to deal with a tight, sore, hurt jaw? Are you KIDDING me? I'm so upset you have no idea. This cannot happen. This shouldn't be able to happen just because I think it. Ridiculous.

Very upset.

Some productivity

I'm still feeling really anxious today...a lot of it, well most of it is because my jaw feels weird. Kind of weak and strained/tired..little bit sore. When I chew sometimes it hurts and I've been getting really worried about it. I love to eat food too so it freaks me out when my jaw starts feeling kinda tired from eating :( I'm not used to it. I know I need to go to the dentist, I'm going to eventually make an appointment but if there's one thing that scares me more than any other kind of appointment it might be dentist. Eh...but I have to do it. I am SO scared that I'll have to get jaw surgery or something. My jaw alignment has always been bad, and I was supposed to get jaw surgery if I wanted a perfect smile but I never did...but now I'm worried that it's starting to hurt lately because I need the surgery but I'm really hoping not. :( Ugh ugh ugh. I talked to my boyfriend's mom about it too and she just made me more nervous about it. I'm a nervous WRECK lately.

On a positive note, last night I was trying really hard to just think positve things right before bed. I only thought positive and I felt better. This mornign I woke up with no anxiety, everything was going fine. But then when I went shopping with my boyfriend I felt like I was going to faint all of a sudden. Of course I didn't, but I felt weak and dehydrated..then when I got home and ate I felt like my jaw hurt. I'm letting everything get to me..I just want to be healed. Oh wait, this isn't "on a positive note" anymore lol. So, some more things positive. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday and then I hopefully have a therapist appointment who specializes in anxiety and panic disorder the week after. I talked to her over the phone and she was glad to hear that I didn't like the idea of a medicine that I have to rely on and she told me that what I have is definitely something I am able to overcome without medicine which I like about her already. I don't like when people automatically want to get you on medicine to fix your problems, that's not what I want. Now I just need to get a dentist's appointment, I'm REALLY hoping my jaw will be ok. I'm so scared. I'm hoping it's just my anxiety that is causing it...which I don't really like but I dunno...I just hope it's normal and not anything serious.

Oh and I'm kinda nervous too because I made plans (I kind of forced myself to say yes..but I'm sure I'll regret it) to go to this lobster buffet with my boyfriend's friend and girlfriend. It's actually the girl I talked to yesterday on IM that told me I need to get out more..go figure lol. Well it's my boyfriend's friend's birthday and he invited us to go eat there with them. I'm not sure if anyone else is going but either way..I'm a little nervous. Normally I wouldn't be nervous at all. I'm just hoping that in the next two weeks my jaw feels better because I can't eat a buffet worth of food with my jaw feeling like this. =x I have noticed for a while that when I eat, I hear a cracking sound on the right side of my jaw...maybe my jaw is deteriorating and getting worse and I should have gotten it checked a long time ago. Ugh please just let the stress and anxiety go away and with that hopefully my jaw will feel better. That would be very nice.

Fears.

I feel like the person I've always never wanted to become, a person I hate. I wish it was as easy as saying,"I don't want to be like this" that would just make me snap back to never having a panic attack again, but it's not that easy. I keep thinking about how great it would be if it was that easy. I've had conversations with people today about my panic attacks. My cousin said she gets them sometimes too and that she's been keeping busy to keep her mind off of it. I know anxiety runs on both sides of my family, but I never knew my cousin ever had a panic attack. I talked to a friend of mine who I don't talk to much but felt like IMing her today, and brought it up. She asked what I panic about (she had no idea I had panic attacks or anything like that) and I didn't even know what to say. I said "everything" and explained what has been happening. She told me that I probably need to just get out more. I agree that I do, but that's not going to stop the panic attacks altogether. I've gotten panic attacks while out before..I dunno. I also talked to my dad again. The one thing that makes me upset about the advice he gives me is that he recommends medicine a lot. He has to take medication everyday for anxiety. One of my greatest fears concerning anxiety is that I will have to take medication forever as well. I've heard of the withdrawal symptoms and I don't even want to get involved. I just don't want to rely on medicine. I'm really against it. Lately though I've been feeling like,"Oh man maybe this path is inevitable and I'm going to end up HAVING to take the medicine." That freaks me out. I've been so panicky about every little thing today that I feel like I'm in a hole and it keeps getting deeper and I can't jump out. Pretty soon it might be a point of no return. I'm going to have to take the rope. I don't want the help of medicine. Maybe if I NEED it one day, but I don't want to get addicted to medicine and in this current state of weak/unstable mind I'm afraid just taking it once will make me addicted which is why I'm trying to avoid it. I do want to visit the doctors and get checked up though. I hope everything will be ok with me and also with my boyfriend.

I've been scared that I won't be able to have a baby someday. I fear that I'll have panic attacks all throughout the pregnancy and ugh I hate worrying about things that haven't even happened yet but I read a girl's blog...she had to take xanax through the entire pregnancy. I don't want my panic attacks to get so bad that I have to rely on medicine and then I still have panic attacks. Lately they just seem to take over my body for no reason and I hate that. Usually they just come with reason, and I'm sure they still do but they come for too many reasons. Will I be able to go on vacation anymore without a panic attack? Uy yie yie. This is too stressful. Life wasn't supposed to be easy, I guess. I can't believe I'm letting fear control my life...I know it is my fear and way of thinking..but sometimes I wonder, is it? Is there something wrong with me..chemically? I mean if so many people need medicine does that make them weak or do panic attacks have the ability to control a life without any other answer of relief other than medicine? Do I have a choice? I've always thought I did but can I REALLY control my panic attacks? Will I bounce back and get back to normal again? I really pray I do. I can't live like this..well I can, but it won't be fun.

I need strength. This has been draining me, it's depressing just to write about. Writing helps me but it also brings out a lot of thoughts that I try to keep in the back of my head..some I never even thought about before until now. I just want to be normal and I feel really bad for my boyfriend who has to deal with me like this. He must really love me to stay with me. I'm thankful for that, but I wish I could be a better girlfriend to him, a better and stronger person for myself and for him...for us. I want to be the girl I used to be to him and to myself. I want this to go away. I can't give up, I can't take medicine. I need to do this the hard way because I think it will be most rewarding. I just need to know it can always be done without medicine, no matter how bad it gets. I need to know that after relapsing into panic like this and its worse than it's ever been for me..that I can get better again. Usually I have one panic attack and then I get better...it's been a couple days of this now and that's not normal for me.

I can be me again...I can't let this control my life. I control my life. If it wants to disturb it, fine..but I'm going to keep on going.

Pulled a muscle in my tongue?

So things were getting better today. We were eating lunch upstairs with my boyfriend's mom and talking to her for a while. I even talked to her about me being depressed and my anxiety lately, and she was talking to me about how it's normal to feel depressed and that she goes through it too. Then my boyfriend and I went to the grocery store again and I bought some pretty flowers to cheer me up, and some chocolate. Anyways, let me get to right now because I'm kind of in the middle of a panic attack as I'm typing believe it or not. It's not full blown yet but it's getting there and I can feel myself losing control of my breathing. Basically what happened is I went upstairs to get a vase and I rolled my tongue to the side and all of a sudden I felt a really bad pain as if I pulled something in my throat. Turns out I think I just pulled a muscle in the back of my tongue, but now it's swollen and numb and my throat hurts and feels numb as well. I'm kind of freaking out. I called my dad and he said he's done the same thing a couple times before and my boyfriend said he's done it plenty of times. I can't help but keep feeling like it's going to get so swollen that I can't breathe anymore. It hurts when I move my tongue, talk, and even just sitting here. Hurts when I swallow too and the pain is getting worse. I want to just go to sleep but I'm afraid of suffocating. Right now my heart isn't going that fast but I feel a difficulty in breathing and my throat feels strained and sore. I don't want to panic and I'm trying not to but pulling a muscle in my tongue was not something I wanted especially since lately I've been very paranoid about my throat feeling closed and tight. I keep thinking I need to go to the hospital or something. I did take two Aleve right before I pulled it though and that's an anti-inflammatory drug. Ugh...my throat feels tighter. I feel like I can't breathe that well. I'm really trying not to panic but I'm afraid I won't be able to breathe. I'm going to try some positive self talk because right now I'm just making it worse for me.

Positive: What if it goes away soon and I end up being fine. I'll probably laugh about it tomorrow. Of course it's going to hurt and feel swollen right now, it's just swollen a little bit on one side but I can breathe fine. If anything happens we can always call an ambulance but I won't need to because everyone pulls the muscle back there sometimes, it's not life threatening. I'm going to be ok. My own dad even told me this has happened to him before. I'm overreacting and I just need to remain calm and not think about it. I pulled it about 10 minutes ago, maybe more, and I'm still fine and breathing so I'll be fine. It's perfectly normal for it to be sore and feel this way, it will go away.

I'm gonna go...I'll write more later. I'm trying to stay strong but the pain is getting worse and I'm upset.

Baby steps

Today I haven't been able to feel out of the ordinary and a little down about my anxiety lately. I have been reading two books though, From Panic to Power again and The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook which I've had laying around for quite a while. I'm also watching a channel on television that I've never watched before, the worship channel. I haven't ever been religious, I've always felt there was a God but I guess like many people I've been ignoring it. Maybe it's because I have a lot of things about myself that I'm not proud of or even afraid that I couldn't ever give up so I don't feel like I can "do it"...by that I mean follow all the rules and live for God. I will admit that when I feel like there's nothing left and I'm not sure what to live for anymore, I feel like turning to God. Usually I only cry out to Him when I'm in pain or feel like I'm going to die, or if I want something. That's a bit selfish. I guess living for Him and not just myself would be a scary change for me. I'm not sure if it's something I want to do right now. The worship channel is nice to watch though, it's mostly just videos of peaceful scenery with quotes and psalms. I always thought this channel would have someone preaching on it all day, but I guess since I never took the time to watch I didn't know.

Anyways, a lot of me just wants to read all day because I feel kind of weak and when this happens I tend to hold onto whatever comfort I can get and not want to go out of that comfort zone. Today my boyfriend and I want to look at apartments, but there is that part of me thinking "What if we move and I panic everyday there and we can't move?" "What if I'm all alone in the apartment and I panic and I'm far away from any help like my family?" That type of stuff. I told him that I was worrying about traveling, because we love to travel but "What if when we go hours away from home I have a panic attack and I won't be able to get any help because I'm so far away" and he said,"Well then you will just have to deal with it, why worry about it?" I know what he is saying is right and in a way it helps.

I remember one morning he was going to go out all day and I'd be at the house by myself. I was working myself up, trying so hard to just stay strong but I found that when I woke up I was so anxious almost like I had to go to school. I would write in my journal constantly to get it all out of my system and hopefully feel better, but I just couldn't help but feel like "I'm going to panic when he leaves". I called my parents on the phone to talk to them and I talked to my dad, who has panic attacks. I told him what I was feeling and he told me that usually the worst part is anticipating what's going to happen. I said,"What if I panic and I'm by myself and have to call an ambulance?" and he said,"Well that might not be a good idea because once they got to the house your panic attack would be gone." I said,"That's true. But I don't want to have a panic attack by myself" and he said,"So what if you do? What bad thing is going to happen once the panic attack is over?" I said,"Nothing..." He told me that you just go with the feelings and then they will pass, I'm not going to die from it. Suddenly, just from hearing someone say that to me, I decided very confidently,"I can do it." and I wasn't even afraid anymore. My boyfriend took me to the grocery store so I could buy some food for the day, and when I got back to the house he had to rush and take a shower and get ready to go. I made him breakfast and packed him a sandwich for lunch and his friend came over the house because he was getting a ride with him. When it was time for him to leave, I wasn't even that nervous. I was nervous because I couldn't believe I was actually going with it and not begging for him to stay..but other than that I didn't panic. After he left, I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried to keep myself busy, but I found that I didn't want to be walking around doing chores and get myself worked up so I sat down and went on the computer. Every time I thought I was going to panic, I wrote about it and it made me feel better. When I took my mind off of it, it went away. When I couldn't take my mind off of it, the only thing I could do was not be afraid of it and if I believed I wasn't afraid then it would go away. It seems like panic attacks only happen when I am afraid they will happen. For some reason, when I tell myself,"Oh well who cares" it usually never even starts up.

So why am I worried about now? I guess I shouldn't be. I try to remind myself that I'm going to be ok...but when you're feeling anxious about so many things it is easier said than done. I guess all I can do it deal with it just like every time. The only thing different now than then is the fact that I've been a bit depressed lately and that puts a damper on everything such as my thoughts which happens to be the biggest problem with anxiety. It's all in the way that I think. When I'm questioning my own sanity and obviously I'm a bit depressed, it's harder to want to push myself and think positive. But I'm going to try. I want to feel happy again, I miss it.

Some helpful things I've read that I'm trying to remind myself when I feel like I'm going to panic are that I shouldn't overreact to the panic, I should listen to it. See my surroundings and ask myself what I see, smell, what I'm touching? Look at it as an outsider, like someone watching me while having a panic attack and just observe. Also to remind myself that anxiety allows me to feel, it shows that I'm alive. I'm feeling something. The worst result from a panic attack is that I'll feel spacey, fuzzy, lightheaded during it then depressed and tired afterwards, but that's no big deal. I can give myself permission to feel anxious, everyone feels anxious. Panic attacks aren't a bad thing, they are actually the response we would have for survival mode. The difference is that we are having them in situations that aren't life threatening, sometimes for no apparent reason at all. There is no need to be afraid of it though, just let it pass.

I need to practice the positive self talk, replacing my negative thoughts. When I think something negative, I need to replace it with something positive and get used to doing that. I also need to practice the meditating and the breathing from the abdomen. I tried last night and it made me a bit lightheaded, so I stopped. I did read something on guided imagery or something, it was describing a nice beach and reading it made me feel very relaxed, I almost fell asleep while reading it. Another thing I'd like to do is incorporate changing my "what if" thinking into good "what ifs". From "What if we go on vacation to the mountains and I panic up there and nobody is there to help me?" to "What if we go and I end up loving it and the mountains relax me and I don't panic at all?". Although, that doesn't seem so believable to me now because I think I really might panic up in the mountains. I won't have cell phone reception which scares me, and a hospital won't be that close by too. However, I guess I could change my negative thoughts on it to,"Well then I just panic, and worst case scenerio we can call 911 on the phone in the cabin." or "The feelings will go away, and I will bring my books to read if I need them." Just typing that out makes me feel better. If I live in fear, I'm just going to always be depressed. The last thing that will help me right now is staying the way I am and not trying. It's better to do things that I feel like I can't do with my anxiety than to sit down and wait because then I'll be sitting here forever. So I'm going to try...

Also, before I stop writing, I'm going to write another what if replacement and another positive replacement for my negative thoughts.

Negative What if Thinking: "What if we get an apartment and I go crazy and have panic attacks all the time and can't be there alone?"
Some replacements: "What if we get an apartment and I get to decorate it and clean and bake. Maybe we'll even get a puppy. So what if I panic? Having a panic attack will only make me stronger in the end, eventually I'll have panicked so much that it won't affect me anymore. But avoiding ever getting an apartment just because I might panic won't ever solve anything except make me more anxious. The apartment will become home to me and I'll feel safe there and I'll love it. If I panic at first, it's normal because it's somewhere I'm getting used to and it's a new environment. I can always call my parents for support, and I will have my boyfriend there with me too. There is no need to be afraid about it, it's something I've been wanting to do for so long and I'm letting a stupid fear get in the way of something that will be exciting and good for us."

It's a start. :) I'm going to look at apartments online, maybe read some more.

My story about my life with anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, and more. So far.

I'll tell you about myself. I'm 20 years old and I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was the oldest child so I assumed the role as the tough older sister. I remember thinking I was strong and independent, I was very creative and I've always been a daydreamer. I wanted to be a singer or an actress when I grew up. (That never happened lol) I had a few best friends and I was friendly with a lot of people although I did get nervous in social situations such as school. As a kid I didn't really like school because I would get anxiety about going every day. When I got into middle school, it became worse and I would miss around 30 days a year. I couldn't really remember ever going a whole week to school without either begging to stay home and using anxiety as an excuse, or going to the nurse's office and faking that I was sick. I was also very insecure during my teenage years. I got braces and I was going through the ugly duckling stage of my life that to this day I don't like to think about. I always had a group of friends that I was close with, and people always seemed to like me but I would be very shy around people I didn't know and I was never a social butterfly.

Moving to another town gave me a fresh start and I finished middle school there. I made new friends, still had my "group" of few close friends but I was more open to meeting new people and a little better at it too. I tried out for chorus with my friend and I became a little more confident in myself when I was able to sing with and in front of other people. I also really loved singing so it was a great escape from the normal classes in school. It helped my self esteem a lot and I even performed concerts in front of audiences with me in the front row with enjoyment. I was still insecure, I always have been, but I don't look back on these particular years as ones that I'm embarrassed to talk about. However, I did still miss a lot of school but a big part of the reason was just because I was using it as an excuse not to go. I didn't know that avoiding school even when I wasn't having that much anxiety about going just made my anxiety worse in the long run.

My anxiety did get much worse when I went to high school. Despite the fact that I was making more and more friends and starting to like my image more, I would start having a racing heart every time I went to class in the morning. I couldn't present anything in front of the class, I'd always have really bad anxiety if there was ever a project I had to read out loud and I would either skip school on days I had to do it or tell my teacher that I was having really bad anxiety about it so I could get out of doing it. Avoiding it definitely didn't help, but to this day I still don't think I would be ok with presenting in front of a class. The only classes I could present things in front of were the ones where I was really comfortable with everyone which was very rare.

Because of the fact that I was beginning to miss more and more school or showing up to school hours late because I would miss my bus in the morning and not want to leave the house, I was put on an anxiety medication and I started therapy. Therapy didn't really do much and to this day I haven't taken anything away from the sessions. I can't even remember one thing my therapist said to me. The medication may have helped a little bit but obviously not enough because my anxiety was really bad during my freshman and sophomore year of high school. It got to extremes. I also started having really bad obsessive traits. After every single class, I had to go into the bathroom and redo my hair. I would pull it so tight, and if any strand was wrong I'd do it over again. My friends would actually come into the bathroom with me and wait for me until they absolutely couldn't wait anymore. They would tell me I looked fine but I'd say,"No I need to redo it." Thinking back on it now, I can't believe they even waited for me but even more so I probably seemed nuts to them. I would miss most of my lunch waves on several occasions just because I had to fix my hair. Sometimes I wouldn't get to lunch until a few seconds before it was over, and I wouldn't have time to eat. There was 7 minutes between each class to get from one to the other, and I would spend all that time after every class just doing my hair. I would put it up into a bun and the bun on top of my head had to be hair sprayed so it wouldn't move. It also had to be completely even on both sides and had to look the right way. I would give myself headaches from pulling my hair too hard, and I probably even pulled my hairline back a bit as well as damaged my hair from all the hairspray and gel I would use. Let's just say there was one time I was out with my mom and two guys told me that I looked like Minnie Mouse. That's how ridiculous this hairstyle was. Going to school in the morning was just as bad, I'd miss my bus all the time and going into class late was something I hated doing because people would look at me, so many times instead of going to class I would walk around the entire school and then go into the bathrooms and stay in there until the bell rang and I'd go to my next class. I would probably be fixing my hair the entire time. It got to the point where I would cry to my parents in the morning and say,"I can't go to school today I am having an anxiety attack." The "anxiety attack" I am talking about was not a panic attack. In fact, many times I used the anxiety as an excuse not to go. I wasn't necessarily feeling any "anxiety attack". I was just worried about going because I was an insecure teenager. It was much different than the panic I feel now.

Well, it got so bad that I had to drop out of school and enroll in adult education instead. It was the same school except I went at night for a few hours. I thought that it would help if I wasn't waking up early in the morning and going to school, because that did make me more anxious. Well, it helped a lot. The classes were also smaller and so I wasn't as nervous being in them. I was able to make friends and get along with everyone in night school (adult education). I always did fairly well in school, but before night school I did start getting D's and F's and wouldn't pay too much attention to what was actually being taught in class because I would have my mind on going home or how anxious I felt. When I started night school I was getting honors every report card. The work was easier than day school though, but I applied myself much more and actually paid attention to everything and learned something. Many years of my education I spent not learning much of anything, to be honest. I don't know whether to blame the school system or myself. The school system I went to isn't one to brag about, but I definitely could have tried harder and when I went to night school I found that I was doing just that. It was something about being there when it was darker outside and more relaxed, I had the whole day to prepare to go rather than waking up and rushing out the door. I've always been a night person too so I found myself very satisfied with it and my teachers were very nice and understanding of everyone's problems because everyone there had one to be there. It's not a bad thing, it's much better than dropping out and not going to school at all. My teachers particularly liked my because I would get better grades than anyone in any of my classes and I felt good about that. When I graduated, I graduated as one of the top of my entire class and I won a few awards including the Superintendent's Award. As much as everything sounded like a nice fairytale ending, it wasn't. I was still avoiding things. I was putting off looking for a college to go to in the fear that I would have to go back to doing something during the day time, and to this day I still have not gone to college. I will give myself credit for what I did do, though. I showed up to school, I was able to speak up more in class and I was so much more confident. I wasn't afraid to talk in front of people AS much. I did a power point presentation in class. I also accepted an award at another award ceremony. I had to go up in front of the board of education and a ton of teachers and other students who graduated top of the class (people I knew were really smart because they would be the ones who got high honors when I was going to school during the day and slacking off) and even though I had a racing heart and felt like I was panicking, I went up and accepted the award and stood up in front of everyone while someone was talking about me for a few minutes. I was fine.

This was before I had my first real panic attack though. I thought I was smooth sailing and then of course something had to happen. Anxiety is very much like "One step forward, two steps back." I think it always will be. The point is to make that first step forward, no matter how small a step it's a step.

Well, I had been dating my serious boyfriend for a couple years when I graduated high school. Almost as soon as I turned 18, I moved in with him and his family in another state about an hour and a half away from my family. I needed to feel independent. I started hanging out with my boyfriend's friends (he's older than me and all his friends were in there 20s when I was 18). I was having a good time, I'd party a lot and drink a lot. Drinking made me feel good about myself, I probably wanted to be drunk all the time. It relaxed me, I didn't feel anxious at all and that is what I loved most about it. I was more confident when I was drunk than ever before. Well, it became a little bit of a problem. My boyfriend would go to work all day and I was supposed to be applying for jobs or college and I didn't. I was really afraid to get a job or go to college. I'd say I was looking but I wasn't. I started drinking alcohol by myself, taking shots when he was at work and I knew I was developing a problem. It took one night of overdoing it and having a terrible hangover the next day for me to snap out of it. I've had a fear of throwing up for a really long time, I only remember vomiting once in my life and I remember it felt like a choking sensation. To this day, I haven't thrown up. When I'm sick, I hold it in. My boyfriend is the complete opposite, he can throw up whenever he wants to and I'm a bit envious of him because this one time that I got way too drunk and probably should have emptied it out of my system, I wasn't able to. I actually tried really hard to but I just couldn't do it. So I stopped drinking..and reality was a scary thing for me. Maybe it stressed me out a bit and it was a lot to adjust to, not drinking anymore. I realized I wasn't as confident anymore. I realized that I wasn't as fun or carefree and I was worrying about things.

One day I had my first panic attack and I remember it very well. I remember I woke up on my parent's couch and I got my diet coke from the floor and took a sip. I started heading upstairs to go to my bed and my mom started talking to me, but I felt weird so I told her I had to go to sleep. When I got in bed I was having a weird pain in my back, it felt like my lungs got caught on my ribs or something and when I breathed it hurt a little so I started overreacting and freaking out. All of a sudden, a huge rush went through my body and my my body went out of control. My heart was racing and suddenly my mind told me,"Get help. You need an ambulance." I ran upstairs to my parents room and I was screaming and crying. I said,"Call 911 please, I think I'm dying something is wrong." My dad was telling me to try to stay calm. I had NO idea what was happening. Was it my time to go? I felt like I was going to throw up everywhere and I also felt like I was going to pass out. I'm surprised I didn't because I've never been so out of breath, dizzy, and lightheaded in my life. I thought I was having a heart attack. Then my dad told me,"You're having a panic attack." I thought,"What is a panic attack? This doesn't feel like the anxiety attacks I used to have." I was wondering why it wouldn't stop. Why was my heart uncontrollably beating at a fast pace. Why was I shaking so much and having difficulty breathing? It was probably the scariest moment in my life. My dad was trying to calm me down and I kept saying,"I love you guys, I'm sorry but I think I'm dying." He was trying to explain to me what a panic attack was and he told me he has them all the time. I had no idea he had what I had. I knew he had anxiety and took medicine for it, but I never knew a panic attack even existed. I never knew this could happen to me or anyone for that matter. It was completely foreign to me. It wasn't like anything I've ever felt with anxiety because this was more like my body taking over me. I had no control, and that scared me. For the restof the night I was afraid it would happen again. I laid down in my parent's bed and watched funny things on tv because anything else would have set me off. I didn't know what to do. All of a sudden I questioned my entire life. "What am I going to do now? I can't leave the house. I can't have kids. I can't travel anymore. I can't ever get a job. I can't go to the store. I can't get married. I can't even go back to Massachusetts. I need to stay here." I was talking to myself as if I now had a disability that I had to live with. The pressure on my chest from the anxiety was so immense. It literally felt like I had a boulder inside of my chest. I described it that way because that's really what it felt like. I went to the doctor's and I got prescribed Ativan. I was told I could take it like regular medicine and it would kick in in about 30 minutes. I wasn't to take it every day. That night I went home and ate food and took my medicine. I sat on the couch watching TV and every movement or loud noise I got upset. I would say,"Please don't do that I'm going to have a panic attack." I was making everyone not say certain things or do certain things because I was extremely sensitive and afraid to have another attack. The medicine helped. The "boulder" in my chest went away. I heard something on the radio,"Are you a worrier? Do you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks" something along those lines. It was Lucinda Bassett. I was so desperate, I called the number and was about to sign up and get my package but then I found her book upstairs in my room. In one of my drawers, I found "From Panic To Power". My mom had bought it for me for my anxiety and I had never read it. I decided to just read that. All day and all night, until I went to sleep and as soon as I woke up I would read the book. I never finished a book so fast. However, I do remember skipping any parts that talked about other people's experiences with their panic attacks. Once she would write about the symptoms of a panic attack, I would immediately skip the page and look for something else. I wanted to know how to cope with it and get rid of it, I never wanted to think about the actual panic attack ever again or have it lingering in my mind. I didn't realize that was part of the healing process, because what happens next in my life was a challenge.

After reading the book, I felt so much better. I remember one day I was about to take a shower, and I got a pen and paper and started writing down a ton of positive self talk quotes. Things like,"I can do this. Just be happy and live life. Who cares if I panic? It's only temporary it will go away. Don't waste life worrying." and I felt so much better. I kept repeating these things to myself and I could feel myself not worrying as much about the panic attack. I accepted it. I remember in the shower I started singing "What a Wonderful World." I had a whole new outlook on life and I was ready to live and get over the panic attack. Well, I carried my Ativan around with me everywhere I went but I hardly ever took it. I went months without a panic attack and without ever taking the medicine. I went to Florida with my boyfriend. This was my second time going, the first time was before I ever had a panic attack and I remember not even being nervous about flying. I was excited. I couldn't wait to get to the airport and go on a plane for the first time. Well this time, we weren't flying. We were going to drive all the way down, it was about 21 hours of driving. I was nervous that I might have a panic attack on the ride down, but I didn't. I slept a lot of the way actually. I brought my book with me and even a stuffed animal that I started sleeping with. Having my medicine with me felt like my safety net. I just thought,"If I need to, I can just take my medicine." and I think that helped a lot with not having panic attacks because instead of thinking,"What if I panic?" I now had something I could feel safe with which was my medicine.

Then we took a trip to a casino, and I had my first panic attack in a long time there. I remember I was in the hotel room and my boyfriend was downstairs in the poker room. I was watching TV and doing ab workouts on the floor and suddenly I realized,"Oh, I'm working out my abs and I'm breathing heavy and breaking a little bit of a sweat and my heart is going faster. What if I panic?". I wasn't even anxious or anything but as soon as I asked myself,"What if I panic" I started panicking. I talked to myself and said,"No, no it's ok." and I stopped working out and just walked around the room and then went on my computer. Well, I was kind of antsy and at that point anything would set off an attack. I just so happened to decide to go into a message board where people were arguing about politics. Bad idea. My heart began to pound and an adrenaline rush shot through my body. I was having a panic attack. I remember rushing to get dressed to go downstairs and stumbling all over the place. I was talking out loud and it went from a tone trying to calm myself to a panicked tone. "Oh no oh no". I reached for my cell phone and called my mom. No answer. Then I really freaked out. I was on the verge of crying, my body was already on speed mode and there was no turning back. I called the front desk and the lady picked up, I told her I was having a panic attack and I needed help. She said she'd send help up to the room. I said ok...not thinking I hung up the phone. All of a sudden, it was going away. Just knowing that someone knew and that help was coming made it go away. So I called back to tell her it was ok and just go get my boyfriend who was in the poker room, so she contacted the poker room for me and got my boyfriend to come upstairs. While I was waiting, my mom called back. I told her what happened. At this point I was shaking as part of the aftermath of my panic attack. I couldn't stop shaking, but I already felt much better than before. My boyfriend came in the room and I told him what happened too. He sat there with me until I got off the phone with my dad who was talking to me and comforting me. I felt very embarrassed and ashamed. I was angry that I had a panic attack because I had felt so strong and good about myself for not having one, that now that I had one again I was so disappointed. I had to go back to reading my book to feel a little better again. I didn't think this day would come, but it did. I started thinking I would have to limit the things I did. "What if I can't go on vacations anymore?"

We took another trip to Florida. This time we were taking a plane. I was nervous about the flight, because I knew once I was in the air I wouldn't be able to get out and that made me feel scared but I did have medicine and I had my boyfriend so it wasn't that bad. It got a little worse when we were sitting in the terminal waiting to board the plane. I remember I took one Ativan just to help relax me a little. I hadn't taken one in so long so I felt kind of weak doing it, but it did help. When I got on the plane, I was a little nervous but once I was strapped in and looked around me and saw all the other people on the plane too I felt fine. I put on my headphones and watched tv the entire way and we got there just fine. My boyfriend and I went to Universal Studios. We went there the first time we went to Florida with his parents, this was the first time we were going alone and the first time I was going on any rides after my first panic attack. I was really nervous for some reason but I made myself do it. This may have been around the time that my heart rate started scaring me. I went through a phase where my heart beating fast actually didn't scare me at all, but then as I mentioned earlier I had the panic attack at the casino and then all of tha changed. For example, when I'm in a hot shower and my heart is beating hard and fast because it's hot I tend to start to panic sometimes. Well, the weather in Florida is no different. Somehow I managed to get through the vacation fine though. I even went on a water ride I never thought I'd go on. I was having a little panic attack in line for the ride, but once it started going the anxiety was also excitement. I remember saying out loud,"I'm so nervous ahh" and just saying it made me feel better. There were two people on the same little boat as us that didn't seem to notice I was really nervous at all. The ride ended up being a blast. After that day at Universal, I felt accomplished. I didn't let the hot weather ruin my day or my anxiety ruin my ride experiences.

Since then I've also went to NYC a few times. The first time was fine, didn't panic at all. The second time I remember thinking,"What if I panic this time?" and I didn't. Last month we also went again for a few nights for our anniversary. I thought,"I haven't been there in a while I'm probably going to panic this time" but I didn't. Infact, being around all those people and the rush of the city helps my anxiety. I walk fast and I can handle it. My heart goes fast and I can handle it. I go to fancy restaurants with uptight people and I can handle it. Somehow, my anxiety was much more under control in NYC than say here in a random small town in Massachusetts.

However, just in the past month...well more specifically, the past week or two, things have been a lot worse than normal. It all started Halloween morning. I woke up feeling really depressed. I had been daydreaming a lot lately and kind of becoming less attached to reality, so I think that might have played a part in it. I just remember thinking,"Life is too much, what if I go crazy and I'm no longer myself and I can't handle it anymore?" I started to panic about it and I felt like I wasn't in touch anymore. Nothing can make me happy, not even me. I've given up on life and happiness. I don't know why I felt this way, it just happened. I thought about panic attacks and how they would probably end up controlling my life for some reason and I would need medication. I told my boyfriend and he comforted me which made it temporarily go away, but still even today I'm somewhat struggling with it. We went to my parent's house to bring my little sister trick or treating and Halloween was fun. I didn't have any anxiety or panic attacks, just still feeling a little depressed and I've been worried that I'm not as excited about life anymore. Well a couple nights ago, I started feeling like I couldn't breathe as well. My throat felt really tight like it was closing. I tried ignoring it but I couldn't anymore so I ran upstairs and looked in the mirror at my throat to make sure it was open. I calmed down for a minute or so but then I started panicking from thinking too much about it and I ran upstairs to my parent's room. It was a scene very familiar to a couple of years ago. I went up there with a racing heart, I was out of breath and felt like my throat was closing and I woke them up to ask them about it and I started crying. My dad told me he knows exactly what I was feeling and that he has had it many times before. Once again, like the first panic attack I ever had, it was nice hearing from him that it was normal and that he's had it before too. He told me it was just my anxiety. I didn't think it could be because I haven't really been anxious at all lately, just a little depressed..but he told me it was definitely my anxiety and that I was giving myself the symptoms just by thinking those things. I said,"What if my throat closes and I can't breathe and I die?" and he told me that wasn't possible. He told me the things I was feeling weren't real. Just hearing him say that made me feel better...and I went downstairs to try to sleep. It was a bit difficult but eventually I fell asleep. In the morning, however, I still felt weird and my throat felt like. During the day when I was watching movies and not thinking about it, I notied it didn't bother me but then when my boyfriend and I started heading back home to Massachusetts, my throat felt very tight again. On the way home in the car, I had a panic attack. The funny thing is, I just sat through it. In my mind it was terrible and I was frightened...but my boyfriend doesn't even know I had a panic attack because I didn't say a word. I was actually too afraid to move or say anyhting, so I sat there and waited for it to go away. I would like to say that it was easy and didn't scare me, but it wasn't and it did. I knew that was all I could do though, and even though I wanted to panic and just scream and cry I knew we were in the car and there was no point. I called my mom and told her and my dad and they talked to me about it. When we got home, we were in the kitchen with my boyfriend's brothers and usually being around people makes me feel better but I was still feeling very panicky and nervous. I felt like I was losing it. I didn't say anything though, once again I kept it to myself and just dealt with it internally. I was very nervous about going to vote, it was election day and this was my first time voting ever. The anticipatory anxiety I was giving myself was terrible, but then his mom came downstairs and said,"Go vote you guys" because we had a half an hour left. I thought there was going to be long lines and I thought,"What if I wait a long time and then as soon as I get to the front of the line I can't vote because I panic and I waited all that time for nothing?", "What if my boyfriend is in the voting booth and I have a panic attack?" and "What if I have a panic attack in the voting booth?". Well, when we got there, there was no line. We went up to the desk, got our ballot, and got to stand next to each other and talk to each other while filling it out. There was hardly anyone there, maybe 5 other people voting but they weren't even near us. It was a piece of cake. I was so happy, and when we got to his house that all changed, of course. His father came downstairs and said,"Did you vote?" and we said,"Yes" with smiles on our faces...but then he said,"Now you're going to start getting mail telling you to do jury duty." I freaked out. I immediately though,"OH MY GOD, why did I vote??? It wasn't worth it at all. I can't do jury duty I'll have panic attacks during it." I went downstairs and cried, called my dad and asked him if it was true and he told me not to worry about it right now and that if I'm panicking when the time comes around that I get asked to do it, I can get a doctor's note and tell him I can't do it because of my anxiety. I was so nervous just thinking about it, and it hasn't even happened yet. My dad told me not to worry about it, and he kept repeating that to me because really the only advice he can give to me is not to worry about it. Worrying about it definitely wasn't helping. So I felt a little better about that, but then we were going to a party that night to celebrate the election and I was nervous about that. "What if I have a panic attack and everyone is drunk and doesn't care or can't take me to the hospital?"..well, I went...and I had a good time. I talked with people almost the whole night and my throat wasn't even tight the entire time I was there probably because I didn't have time to sit and think about it.

That was just yesterday. Today I woke up with a racing heart, and every movement made my heart beat really fast and hard. I couldn't understand why...but I've been very anxious today. My chest was really tight and I couldn't breathe well, it was almost unbareable and I wasn't sure if I was going to be ok this morning. It went away for the most part, but I'm still a bit edgy. I decided to make a blog from now on talking about when things are bad, when they're good, etc. I did keep a journal on a lot of specific times, but I'd rather type it all out on here than write it down for some reason. Also, maybe if other people read it, they can relate to me. I know it's nice knowing that I'm not alone, and it's probably nice for other people to know there are others struggling just like them but not to give up. I'm trying not to give up as I'm writing this, it's hard because lately I've been feeling like every time I go back to this panic feeling I just get more and more discouraged and lose a bit of hope...but if I can't live life for myself or at least try to enjoy it then I've given up on the one life I have.

I'm hoping writing about everything will help me deal with my own personal demons. I'm not afraid to talk about them anymore either. I went through a stage where I wanted to avoid ever thinking about past panic attacks in the fear that it would cause another one, and I wanted to avoid hearing anything about them whatsoever but I think it's ok to face up to the reality of it because if I can't deal with hearing about it then I'm not really healed am I? Isn't that avoidance? Well, I shouldn't talk like I'm against avoidance. I still avoid things every day. If you're wondering what exactly I'm like today and to what extent my anxiety goes to...I'm afraid of being alone, the last time my boyfriend left me home alone I was fine. I almost panicked but I kept writing in my journal about it and somehow made it through several hours with him not at the house..but now if I think about him going away again I get scared because lately my panic attacks have been much worse than ever and I'm feeling new symptoms that I've never felt before so I'm not sure how I'd do if I was alone again. Also I've always had a huge fear of illness and especially death. I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend or loved ones. I don't even like my boyfriend to go out by himself driving because I'm afraid he'll die...and I absolutely cannot think about that because I don't want to lose him. Not just because he makes me feel safe but because I love him and want to hopefully be able to be a good wife and mother someday (although I have my doubts)..and he's my best friend. I'm afraid of being a bad mother or wife. I'm afraid of losing my mind or not being in control. I'm afraid that I might be too afraid to travel someday...and currently with my depression I'm even afraid that I'll lose interest in everything that makes me happy in life because lately I've been feeling unattached and kind of emotionless. I can't go into a grocery store by myself. I need to take my phone with me when I go in the shower incase I panic. I'm terrified of getting sick, I'm probably a hypochondriac. I haven't been diagnosed it, but ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you I probably am. I still have obsessive compulsive traits..I probably have OCD. For example, I don't like touching things with my middle finger...I don't like the numbers 3, 6, 9, 12, 24, 36, 39. Also, if I hear about a disease I'll think I'll get it or somehow make myself have it. Also if I hear about other people's obsessive thoughts I might start to have them. I've given myself scary, disturbing thoughts before and some I couldn't tell anyone because they are so disgusting and bad that I try not to think about them anymore and I tell myself that I realize they're just thoughts I'm putting in my head. If I had to say what I thought I suffer from, I'm pretty sure I could have it verified by a doctor that I have panic disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, obsession compulsion disorder, and hypochondriasis. Let's hope that I don't become a schizophrenic or lose my mind and go insane or mental too because that is a huge fear of mine.

A lot of people I know have no idea...some know that I have anxiety and panic attacks someitmes but they don't know the extent of it. My boyfriend knows but he doesn't understand...and he thinks he understands but he only sees it from his perspective which is that I'm just being weak. He doesn't mean to be mean about it and I realize that from his upbringing he can't understand or have any idea...no matter how much I try to explain it to him. I do realize a lot of it is me being weak and it's mental, but tha doesn't make it easy to fix. I don't think one person knows me as well as I know myself though, especially as far as OCD and obsessive thoughts go because I don't share them all with anyone. I think some things shouldn't be told because it's hard enough for me to deal with it but having people think differently about me or even knowing that I think some thoughts would make me feel worse about myself.

Well, I think I've talked enough about myself today. Of course there's a lot more I didn't write about, but maybe I'll feel like bringing up things in other posts. I'll write more when I have something I want to write about.