Went to the ER last night

My family drove an hour and a half to come pick me up and bring me to the ER..they wanted to be there while I went and seriously, I don't know what I would have done if they weren't there. I was fine geting in the car and walking in, but then as soon as I started sitting down waiting and then especially after I got my blood pressure taken (my systolic was normal but my diastolic was high--90) then my throat felt like I had a constant choking sensation. Someone choking me, really tight, couldn't breathe well, it hurt...it was jsut awful. And it lasted like 3 hours, as long as were there. So they called me into an office and I told the lady what I was feeling but my dad had to do a lot of talking for me because of my throat..then we did the paperwork, had to go sit back down...and eventually they brought me into the nursing center and they asked me questions but I called my byofriend in as well. My dad was with me but I wanted my boyfriend to be there. I was trying to remain calm the whole time but my throat was SO incredibly tight that I couldn't help but be scared. Basically first I had to pee in a cup to make sure I wasn't pregnant before they gave me some Ativan. They said they could give me it through IV or orally and I freaked out when they said IV I was like,"IV? No no no" cuz I've never had one and I'm not really afraid of needles but I haven't had a shot in years and also I've never had an IV or even blood drawn since I was too little of a kid to remember. She said I could decline the IV, but my dad and boyfriend were convincing me I would feel so much better so much faster if I took the IV. I was trying to consider it but decided I'd just take a pill.

But then my doctor asked if I wanted to get my thyroid checked and without thinking I said yes because obviously if my anxiety can be caused by my thyroid then I want to know. And actually, my dad has panic disorder and to this day has never gotten his thyroid checked so it would be kind of cool if there was a magical pill that helps the thyroid and then my panic attacks go away...But anyways, I said yes but then asked how they do that and she said,"I'm just gonna draw blood".....I was like,"Wait, how? Where? Like an IV?" My dad and boyfriend were giving me positive talk,"Karissa it lasts like 4 seconds and then it's over, it's just the initial prick. This will make you a stronger person and you're going to feel accomplished when you leave here. Well I was freaking out when the lady actually came in the room with the needle. She had to tie my arm with that rubber band (Scary) to make my vains pop out more...I was so scared, but I knew I had to just do it. So I had my dad and boyfriend next to me and I kept saying,"I can't do this, sorry I can't" but the lady doing it just kept going about her business, wiping me with the cloth and getting ready to stick the needle in. I knew there was no way out so I just looked the other way and closed my eyes. She counted to three and I felt a little prick and then I just sort of had to deal with the discomfort of the needle being in there (but it's not a long needle) and wait for the blood to be taken out. Then took the needle out and put a a cotton ball on it and held it with pressure to stop the bleeding and prevent bruising, then taped it on and that was it. After that I was SO ready for an IV, but as soon as I opened my eyes another doctor with a little cup like the type you drink cough medicine out of was standing in front of me. I couldn't tell what it was, but it ended up being a pill for Ativan..so I was like,"Soo..I should just take this and not the IV?" and whatever I took the pill with a cup of water she gave me. It was 1mg of ativan (lorazepam) I felt better for about 2 seconds but then I started getting panicky again.

Every little thing (from when I got to the hospital to after I took my medicine) was bothering me. My dad was like,"You really are giving this control over you. You need to realize it can't hurt you, you can breathe and you will be fine. You need to stop talking down on yourself so much." I knew it, but knowing and actually doing are two different things and as much as I tried to relax, watch tv, lay down, think positive, I started feeling a little more anxious, naseous, and started feeling this lump in the side of my throat..so I was offered to get XRays cuz my throat had been bothering me so much, and my jaw. Well my boyfriend came with me but when he was about to come in the room he couldn' go in. I started getting panicky (and this was like 20-30 mins after I had already taken the medicine)..I went in...extremely tight throat, thought my lungs were about to collapse..took maybe 1 minute to do the xrays, when I left I still felt bad. Went back to my room and boyfriend got me more water, but my dad had left. I just laid down and tried to relax..the thing in my neck was really bothering me, but eventually I could hardly feel it and the tightness in my throat went away significantly. After a while the doctor or nurse finally came in saying my xrays were fine and was I ready to go home? So I had a few questions first...and I was also feeling really sleepy so I might have sounded annoying the way I was talking. I asked about the lump that was bothering me and she checked and found that my lymph node was swollen so she came me amoxicillan along with prescription of .5mg of ativan that I should take sparaingly..really only when I need it...and also 25mg of atarax. It will supposedly make me drowsy (which is basically what the ativan ended up doing to me..1mg of it anyways, on top of the fact that I was really tired and worn out from my panic). So I also asked her about the tightness in my throat and said,"Is there nothing I can take for it?" and she said no that,"We know it's just a symptom that comes with your anxiety"...eh that wasn't the answer I really wanted but ok. I hate the tight throat feeling. I think I hate it more than my heart palpitations. Yeah, I do. I HATE IT.

But anyways, I was discharged and we all went to the 24 hr CVS so I could get my prescriptions. It was around 11:30pm at this time. All throughout being in CVS, I felt drunk lol. That's all I can describe it as. Really tired and drunk feeling..maybe a little dizzy but not really...I just remember not feeling anxious which is weird because I acutally kept asking myself,"I would normally freak out if I felt drowsy like this...because I feel out of control"...but my body wouldn't panic. It was just very mellow and tired. I was buying random things, I swear I was extremely tired..finally got back to the house and tried to write in a journal of mine and I found that I couldn't really write...I was writing things really silly and messy, so I just went to bed. My boyfriend said that I said something and when he replied I was already asleep lol. When I woke up this morning, I don't recall waking up once during the night which was really weird. As of right now, I am scared that I will like yesterday again (it was probably the worst day of my life as far as panic goes)...and more than any symptom...I just don't want the tight throat. Right now I'm also very tired...even though I slept a good 8 maybe 9 hours. I'm going to take amoxicillin today...and I'm going to try avoiding any medicine at least for the whole DAY..but if at night I absolutely need something (basically if my throat bothers me) then I will take an ativan. I don't want to try the atarax yet. I want to see how I do when this ativan wears off which should be soon. I might even take a nap right now.

I notice that I keep asking myself,"Oh what if my throat gets tight, what if it happens like last night? and then I panic?"...but so far my throat is completely fine. I'm kind of restricting it because I'm focusing on it and almost purposely MAKING it tight (why would I do that? I dont know..I swear just thinking about it makes me feel like it might be getting tighter) I really need to practice positive self talk. I might go read for a while. I'll write more later.

Oh and also, I'd love to overcome this AND the symptoms without medicine...I really would. I've never had a problem with a tight throat before and it's new to me but also the most bothersome thing I think I've ever felt. So I'm hoping either I can keep it under control, or it just doesn't come back. I don't like feeling like I can't make it go away and can't make MYSELF feel better...so we will see. I also can't stop thinking about how happy I would be if I didn't have anxiety. I'd be living my life the way I want, with fears still, but not a tight through and panic attacks. I can do this. I can be me again, I've done it before and I can do it again. So what, I have another symptom added onto it, but that's testing me and going to make me stronger. If it does come back, which I really hope it doesn't, but if it does, I will deal with it and I will be stronger and eventually it will go away. I don't have it right now though, so that's a plus. I just need to stop thinking about it but I swear I'm crazy sometimes I just think about something so much until I have it just so I can be mad about having it..it's fear, anger, I can't explain.

I want to be me, without panic. I want to laugh and be happy and not always be afraid. I can do this, I will get through it.

Going to keep track

So I decided I'm going to leave this open incase I have any feelings that I want to write down. I have some right now. I still have a weird feeling in my throat except it's really odd because it literally feels like a lump and my chest is kind of hurting too. My throat feels really dry but I think it's the "lump" in my throat that is making it feel like that. It almost feels like I have something seriously stuck in there and feeling it and thinking about it is making me really nervous right now. I'm eating a cough drop and it's making my throat have a cold/tingly sensation except for that one spot which feels like the skin in my throat is sticking together. I'm getting nervous...this thing in my throat is really worrying me now. I don't know whether I should say something or not but it's seriously concerning me because I feel like I've got something stuck in there. I've had the "lump" in my throat feeling before but not like this where I feel like I'm choking. Gotta go.

Just called my dad..he said it was anxiety..I swear I feel it. Ugh. I'm gonna go upstairs.

Long phone call

I just got off the phone with my dad who has had anxiety for a really long time and knows what I'm going through. It's funny because I don't feel anxious but my physical symptoms that are bothering me are somewhat making me anxious. Right now I have a tight jaw...I'm just relaxing it and not moving it much or chewing...and also I have this feeling like a lump in my throat. My throat feels tighter and possibly even sore. I'm trying to look at my symptoms like a doctor would..rather than react to them just observe and write them down. My dad kept reminding me that nothing bad happens from a panic attack, it just feels uncomfortable. I hope I can go back to not having a panic attack for a long time. I'd much rather have a year without one and then get one again than to have them every day like I am now. I'm going to try to get out more and go out to eat and stuff once my jaw feels better. Also, I want to start walking. Excercise definitely helps my anxiety..I remember when I used to work out and run a couple miles a day on the treadmill when we were on vacation going down to Florida that I felt great about myself and didn't have much anxiety at all. That's sort of why I don't want to take medicine either. If I was able to feel great then without medicine I can do it again. I feel like taking medicine is ok if it's like once ina while just to help when things are really bad, but if I take it every day I'm sort of giving up on really trying every day. It's doing all the work for me. My dad told me that it would be much harder to get over this without medicine which obviously is true because say you have a headache..you can either wait it out or take medicine to make it go away. Except with anxiety medicine you need to keep taking it every day and it doesn't really get to the root of the problem. I'm sure if I work on it myself I can make it go away for a while, and I'm also sure that I'll probably have a panic attack again someday just because thigns happen and stressful things occur or there's times that I just get anxious, but that doesn't mean I should just take medicine for it. If there was a medicin that was non-addictive, non habit forming and had no withdrawal, I would take it when I needed it...but I don't want something I HAVE to always take. I don't want to feel bound to something. I am my own person and I am able to get over this myself, maybe not forever...but I can do it. I can't really explain why I'm against medicine...I guess to me it feels like giving up. It's sort of like me saying,"I can't do this without medicine"..and I have before so I can again. Maybe I'll leave to take something one day if it's a really bad day, but that's a lot different than taking it every day.

Anyways, enough babbling about the medicine issue. I feel like my throat is getting worse...feels like there's something stuck in it and I'm already saying,"What if I panic from it?" or "What if my throat closes?"...my chest feels a little tight too. But I'm going to try not to think about it. Also I just realized I might have to change doctors already because if I was to have an emergency this town that my doctor is going to be in is a bit far...hmm. We'll see.

I can do this. I've done it before. So what if I panic? Then I panic. It makes me stronger.

STOP

That's what I want to scream out to myself right now and my anxiety--STOP! Reading what other people go through doesn't help either. I wanted to make sure this jaw tightness and weak feeling especially when I chew is normal and I guess a lot of people with anxiety and stress get it but enough is enough! Go away! I'm tired of it. It's all in my head. I read that people have tingling sensations in their jaw too..and now I'm getting it. Coincidence? I mean I did get a tingling sensation before but now a lot more because I'm thinking about it. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. What am I going to do? Live like this forever. I mean it's enough to have to deal with not having a panic attack, which I'm not and haven't been...but my jaw is bothering me because of my anxiety. So does that mean that when I'm stressed or anxious that even if I'm not having a panic attack, I'm going to have to deal with a tight, sore, hurt jaw? Are you KIDDING me? I'm so upset you have no idea. This cannot happen. This shouldn't be able to happen just because I think it. Ridiculous.

Very upset.

Some productivity

I'm still feeling really anxious today...a lot of it, well most of it is because my jaw feels weird. Kind of weak and strained/tired..little bit sore. When I chew sometimes it hurts and I've been getting really worried about it. I love to eat food too so it freaks me out when my jaw starts feeling kinda tired from eating :( I'm not used to it. I know I need to go to the dentist, I'm going to eventually make an appointment but if there's one thing that scares me more than any other kind of appointment it might be dentist. Eh...but I have to do it. I am SO scared that I'll have to get jaw surgery or something. My jaw alignment has always been bad, and I was supposed to get jaw surgery if I wanted a perfect smile but I never did...but now I'm worried that it's starting to hurt lately because I need the surgery but I'm really hoping not. :( Ugh ugh ugh. I talked to my boyfriend's mom about it too and she just made me more nervous about it. I'm a nervous WRECK lately.

On a positive note, last night I was trying really hard to just think positve things right before bed. I only thought positive and I felt better. This mornign I woke up with no anxiety, everything was going fine. But then when I went shopping with my boyfriend I felt like I was going to faint all of a sudden. Of course I didn't, but I felt weak and dehydrated..then when I got home and ate I felt like my jaw hurt. I'm letting everything get to me..I just want to be healed. Oh wait, this isn't "on a positive note" anymore lol. So, some more things positive. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday and then I hopefully have a therapist appointment who specializes in anxiety and panic disorder the week after. I talked to her over the phone and she was glad to hear that I didn't like the idea of a medicine that I have to rely on and she told me that what I have is definitely something I am able to overcome without medicine which I like about her already. I don't like when people automatically want to get you on medicine to fix your problems, that's not what I want. Now I just need to get a dentist's appointment, I'm REALLY hoping my jaw will be ok. I'm so scared. I'm hoping it's just my anxiety that is causing it...which I don't really like but I dunno...I just hope it's normal and not anything serious.

Oh and I'm kinda nervous too because I made plans (I kind of forced myself to say yes..but I'm sure I'll regret it) to go to this lobster buffet with my boyfriend's friend and girlfriend. It's actually the girl I talked to yesterday on IM that told me I need to get out more..go figure lol. Well it's my boyfriend's friend's birthday and he invited us to go eat there with them. I'm not sure if anyone else is going but either way..I'm a little nervous. Normally I wouldn't be nervous at all. I'm just hoping that in the next two weeks my jaw feels better because I can't eat a buffet worth of food with my jaw feeling like this. =x I have noticed for a while that when I eat, I hear a cracking sound on the right side of my jaw...maybe my jaw is deteriorating and getting worse and I should have gotten it checked a long time ago. Ugh please just let the stress and anxiety go away and with that hopefully my jaw will feel better. That would be very nice.

Fears.

I feel like the person I've always never wanted to become, a person I hate. I wish it was as easy as saying,"I don't want to be like this" that would just make me snap back to never having a panic attack again, but it's not that easy. I keep thinking about how great it would be if it was that easy. I've had conversations with people today about my panic attacks. My cousin said she gets them sometimes too and that she's been keeping busy to keep her mind off of it. I know anxiety runs on both sides of my family, but I never knew my cousin ever had a panic attack. I talked to a friend of mine who I don't talk to much but felt like IMing her today, and brought it up. She asked what I panic about (she had no idea I had panic attacks or anything like that) and I didn't even know what to say. I said "everything" and explained what has been happening. She told me that I probably need to just get out more. I agree that I do, but that's not going to stop the panic attacks altogether. I've gotten panic attacks while out before..I dunno. I also talked to my dad again. The one thing that makes me upset about the advice he gives me is that he recommends medicine a lot. He has to take medication everyday for anxiety. One of my greatest fears concerning anxiety is that I will have to take medication forever as well. I've heard of the withdrawal symptoms and I don't even want to get involved. I just don't want to rely on medicine. I'm really against it. Lately though I've been feeling like,"Oh man maybe this path is inevitable and I'm going to end up HAVING to take the medicine." That freaks me out. I've been so panicky about every little thing today that I feel like I'm in a hole and it keeps getting deeper and I can't jump out. Pretty soon it might be a point of no return. I'm going to have to take the rope. I don't want the help of medicine. Maybe if I NEED it one day, but I don't want to get addicted to medicine and in this current state of weak/unstable mind I'm afraid just taking it once will make me addicted which is why I'm trying to avoid it. I do want to visit the doctors and get checked up though. I hope everything will be ok with me and also with my boyfriend.

I've been scared that I won't be able to have a baby someday. I fear that I'll have panic attacks all throughout the pregnancy and ugh I hate worrying about things that haven't even happened yet but I read a girl's blog...she had to take xanax through the entire pregnancy. I don't want my panic attacks to get so bad that I have to rely on medicine and then I still have panic attacks. Lately they just seem to take over my body for no reason and I hate that. Usually they just come with reason, and I'm sure they still do but they come for too many reasons. Will I be able to go on vacation anymore without a panic attack? Uy yie yie. This is too stressful. Life wasn't supposed to be easy, I guess. I can't believe I'm letting fear control my life...I know it is my fear and way of thinking..but sometimes I wonder, is it? Is there something wrong with me..chemically? I mean if so many people need medicine does that make them weak or do panic attacks have the ability to control a life without any other answer of relief other than medicine? Do I have a choice? I've always thought I did but can I REALLY control my panic attacks? Will I bounce back and get back to normal again? I really pray I do. I can't live like this..well I can, but it won't be fun.

I need strength. This has been draining me, it's depressing just to write about. Writing helps me but it also brings out a lot of thoughts that I try to keep in the back of my head..some I never even thought about before until now. I just want to be normal and I feel really bad for my boyfriend who has to deal with me like this. He must really love me to stay with me. I'm thankful for that, but I wish I could be a better girlfriend to him, a better and stronger person for myself and for him...for us. I want to be the girl I used to be to him and to myself. I want this to go away. I can't give up, I can't take medicine. I need to do this the hard way because I think it will be most rewarding. I just need to know it can always be done without medicine, no matter how bad it gets. I need to know that after relapsing into panic like this and its worse than it's ever been for me..that I can get better again. Usually I have one panic attack and then I get better...it's been a couple days of this now and that's not normal for me.

I can be me again...I can't let this control my life. I control my life. If it wants to disturb it, fine..but I'm going to keep on going.

Pulled a muscle in my tongue?

So things were getting better today. We were eating lunch upstairs with my boyfriend's mom and talking to her for a while. I even talked to her about me being depressed and my anxiety lately, and she was talking to me about how it's normal to feel depressed and that she goes through it too. Then my boyfriend and I went to the grocery store again and I bought some pretty flowers to cheer me up, and some chocolate. Anyways, let me get to right now because I'm kind of in the middle of a panic attack as I'm typing believe it or not. It's not full blown yet but it's getting there and I can feel myself losing control of my breathing. Basically what happened is I went upstairs to get a vase and I rolled my tongue to the side and all of a sudden I felt a really bad pain as if I pulled something in my throat. Turns out I think I just pulled a muscle in the back of my tongue, but now it's swollen and numb and my throat hurts and feels numb as well. I'm kind of freaking out. I called my dad and he said he's done the same thing a couple times before and my boyfriend said he's done it plenty of times. I can't help but keep feeling like it's going to get so swollen that I can't breathe anymore. It hurts when I move my tongue, talk, and even just sitting here. Hurts when I swallow too and the pain is getting worse. I want to just go to sleep but I'm afraid of suffocating. Right now my heart isn't going that fast but I feel a difficulty in breathing and my throat feels strained and sore. I don't want to panic and I'm trying not to but pulling a muscle in my tongue was not something I wanted especially since lately I've been very paranoid about my throat feeling closed and tight. I keep thinking I need to go to the hospital or something. I did take two Aleve right before I pulled it though and that's an anti-inflammatory drug. Ugh...my throat feels tighter. I feel like I can't breathe that well. I'm really trying not to panic but I'm afraid I won't be able to breathe. I'm going to try some positive self talk because right now I'm just making it worse for me.

Positive: What if it goes away soon and I end up being fine. I'll probably laugh about it tomorrow. Of course it's going to hurt and feel swollen right now, it's just swollen a little bit on one side but I can breathe fine. If anything happens we can always call an ambulance but I won't need to because everyone pulls the muscle back there sometimes, it's not life threatening. I'm going to be ok. My own dad even told me this has happened to him before. I'm overreacting and I just need to remain calm and not think about it. I pulled it about 10 minutes ago, maybe more, and I'm still fine and breathing so I'll be fine. It's perfectly normal for it to be sore and feel this way, it will go away.

I'm gonna go...I'll write more later. I'm trying to stay strong but the pain is getting worse and I'm upset.